u/azzeglia

A few months ago, a made a couple of posts about an ongoing situation with my coworker. To put back some context, I've started a new job 6 months ago, and since the beginning, I had a big crush on one of my coworker, who happens to be almost 20 years older than me. It hadn't be easy to approach him at the beginning, but I slowly managed to make my way to him. We slowly became closer, and I started flirting with him. He reciprocated it, and it was such an exciting period. We went on a date in February. The date was amazing, and we had sex. After that, everything shifted. He was still friendly, but he pulled back. I tried messaging him a few times, offering dates or just outings but he ghosted me. He slowly revealed his true nature : he is an avoidant. We never had a conversation about all this, about the date, about why he pulled away. I accepted it, because the only thing I wanted was for him to feel comfortable, and for our bond to remain. 

After that, I tried distancing myself emotionally from him. Because I was really infatuated by him. I tried, but failed miserably. As I was trying to ignore him, or give him less attention, it only did the opposite. Ignoring him just felt like punishing myself. Acting nonchalant when he was talking to me was nearly impossible because a single glance he gives me makes my whole body and soul melt away. Just to see his smile brightens up my whole day. And so, I finally had to admit it to myself. This is not a crush. I am in love with this man. And it's a tragedy, because it is a true, devastating, impossible love. 

A couple of weeks ago, I came to the realization that I loved him, and so, I stopped the nonchalant comedy and I returned to what I truly felt. I give him attention again, I show him that I care. And he appreciates it, and he reciprocates it. We're not flirting, but we're showing each other deep affection. And so, naturally, yesterday, I decided to send him a message and offered him to have dinner at my place. I had great faith, because I had left him alone these last couple of months, didn't ask for an explanation, didn't talk to anyone about what happened, gave him space, and time. I had been impeccable. But then, he disappeared again. No answer. Nothing. He ghosted me once again when i tried to get closer.

The contradiction of his behavior is driving me insane, and for the first time, I'm considering an option that I had never considered before. I want to confess my feelings to him. It feels crazy, because I just know he would never believe it, because it is crazy. He is 20 years older, and he's my coworker, and has worked for this company for 10 years+ and would certainly not risk his career for a young girl like me. But I want to do it, I want to do it for myself. To release the weight of this confession, of this forbidden love that I feel. I want to risk it all, because if I don't speak my feelings, then I'll never give myself a chance. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when. I will let him know that I would like to speak to him. Privately. I have no idea what I'm going to say, but I need to speak my heart out.