u/azamraa

Hi all, short version is that I’ve been married for a few years and part of my rocd presentation is that I fantasize about lives I could have lived if I hadn’t stayed with my now-husband, or if we broke up now. I have one particular fantasy which he knows about bc I confessed it early on before I knew about rocd. tonight we were having a hard time and he was like ‘you’d better not be thinking about [names exact fantasy names be been thinking about] bc if you are I just want to leave.’ (This fantasy plays into some of his own deepest insecurities). I just lied and said no, I wasn’t.

I think this was the right thing to do bc the convo moved on and we got through the fight in a good way but I have this pressure in my chest and can’t stop feeling guilty and like I’m leading him on and stuff. I guess I’m just curious for people’s thoughts on what to do when your hurtful intrusive thoughts get called out.

My understanding is that the brain has the ability to self-monitor in a few different ways. I guess what I’m asking is whether some people are able to bring those monitoring mechanisms into conscious awareness.

Like, can you use your firsthand conscious state and activity—not just your intellectual knowledge—to deduce what’s going on neurologically?

An analogy might be a mechanic driving a stick shift who knows both on an intuitive level and an intellectual level what’s happening when he shifts gears.

EDIT: Thank you so much for your thoughtful answers! It was a subtle question that I’m still unable to fully articulate but I appreciate the responses :-)