so many questions
hello all! i've been stalking this sub for about a week ago and have been in shock at how many people's experiences line up with mine. i was on the verge of tears when i realized i was not alone earlier. i have adhd, asd, cptsd, fnd, amongst other things LOL. while i don't have a hard time experiencing emotions persay (and i would argue that i probably experience anger and sadness stronger than most), i have a hard time attaching emotions to many things. maybe this is more a letter to myself, but it's really relieving to type this out, and if anyone has input i'd love to hear it.
i'm 19(F, if it matters) and have had a single crush in my life, and it took me over 5 months of talking to them daily to realize this. i have had a single relationship in my life that lasted for 2 years, and although it was a very good relationship, we split it off for the focus of bettering ourselves. i became very attached to them, and even though we split over a year ago, i only really started becoming better after starting vyvanse about a month ago. i think my issue was that i was living vicariously though them and didn't have interest in helping myself. this was actually an extreme issue that was impeding upon my life for the past three years, and i can only assume the codependency arose from childhood trauma. i just have no idea how it was that insanely intense.
additionally, i'm very disconnected from sex itself. i've never had it, and don't have much interest in it, with the sole exception of pleasing my partner. i see many of my peers seeking sex, hooking up, relationships, etc. and while i do want a relationship eventually, and it was very nice to have one, i just have a very hard time knowing if i like someone enough to pursue something with them. this doesn't really make me feel sad or estranged, and i do think it's a little funny to be the butt of the joke sometimes. it's just weird, i suppose.
i've never been sentimental ever, and i don't understand how people could be. when my dad passed, i was given many of his things, but i didn't really care and gave them to family members who would. and honestly, come to think of it, i didn't really care that he died that much, but that could have been a past trauma thing, me intellectualizing it, i'm not entirely sure. i still sleep with plushies that my ex gave me, not for a sense of comfort from it, but just because i like sleeping with plushies and it wouldn't make sense to throw them out.
while i don't think i'm overly emotional, i think i display myself as overly emotional to compensate for the fact that i'm not sure what i feel. when i was younger (<5) i presented in a very cold demeanor, so in order to be taken more seriously, i think i exaggerated physical expressions, even when i wasn't sure what i was feeling inside. i just wish someone would have the answer on how to relearn how to react to things, because although i don't feel like i'm feeling a lot, i present as hyper or dramatic towards others.
i think i definitely can understand more about my emotions when listening to music. yeah, it's a cliche, but art is the human experience. it's wonderful to me to get to see how other people make art, to live through them, to live through what they're experiencing. i live for art and the people who make it. sadly, i think this means i'll never be an artist, but i'm content with that. music is the only thing that can make me cry, besides frustration or anger. i have a relatively easy time identifying when i'm super angry and super sad, as i'll get this deep hole in my chest when i'm sad, and my jaw will hurt and i'll get hot when i'm angry, but other than that, i can't identify emotions. i'm on a mood stabilizer now which has been wonderful, but now i don't experience those feelings of anger and sadness anymore, so i don't know what i'm feeling. i'm not apathetic. i just cannot identify any emotion that isn't on an extreme end.
i think it would help to get this off my chest. thanks for listening, if you have similar experiences or even advice i would genuinely love to hear it.