Got DARVOd for the last time. I finally blocked her and she's going to stay blocked.
(longtime lurker, first time poster. Here is my cat haiku, first, so I don't forget- sweet precious baby/my constant source of comfort/cuddles me and purrs)
Last night, my uBPD mom randomly started accusing me of having "hatred in my heart and words" for my brother, who struggled with drug addiction and an unknown mental illness, and cut us off during a meltdown he had. He's still alive and I think doing well. I miss him all the time and it breaks my heart that I was part of the fallout. My mother said a bunch of stuff about how I show hatred and contempt and that I clearly don't care if he's even alive and that I think he deserves to die.
I told her that's a terrible thing not just to say, but to think about me. I asked her how she could possibly believe that of me. I said yes I am angry. He caused a lot of pain in my life, his addiction caused a lot of strife. He was cruel and said some unforgivable things at times, and he stole so much from us to sell for drug money, or sometimes even just for the sake of stealing to hurt us. Yes, I'm angry with him. But he was my baby brother and I love him and it hurts me so much. I told her that it hurts me and I cry about him and miss him all the time and that he's a topic in therapy. I was crying and said "just because I'm angry doesn't mean I hate my baby brother, or that I wish harm on him or don't care if he's okay. How could you think that of me?"
And she hung up on me.
I think it's also worth mentioning a few things. Earlier in the evening, she had told me that she knows I was suicidal a few months ago (I was) and that she is glad I'm doing better now (I am) and that she knows I'm not fully back to myself, but that she's glad I'm getting there and that I'm now safe, at least, and not in a dark place. So... Yes I've been pretty focused on myself lately but apparently I still should have somehow been asking her about herself? Even though she acknowledged that I have just been trying to stay alive?
She also always makes everything about herself and no matter what I talk to her about, it has to come back around on how it affected her, or how it relates to her, or how it's not as bad as what she's got going on. She doesn't just relate on it, she turns it around and twists it into a competition or like I'm overreacting or like I couldn't possibly understand because it's not as bad as what she's experienced.
This was my last straw, after an entire life of being cut down by the person who is supposed to love me the most in the world. I didn't tell her I was cutting contact, which may be a problem. But I sent my message and realized I couldn't handle hearing anything else from her. A lightbulb flicked on when I read that message. I thought "wow yeah I don't have to do this anymore."
I called out of work today and spent the day shell shocked and crying on and off.