u/aimlessrebel

I quit cold turkey because I didn't want to put myself through the prolonged suffering of tapering and I didn't trust myself to quit that way. More likely id reduce and then tell myself it was fine to continue. So I'm on day 4 of withdrawals from drinking a pot of coffee every morning and tea or soda in the afternoon. I've hit the depression where I'm just noticing my thoughts are hopeless and sad. So I guess I'm just gonna try not to think too much. Also tired and have a headache but nothing too bad. Definitely sleeping better. Not waking up exhausted like I was on caffeine. I've had hot and cold flashes but nothing crazy.

I've been pounding the coffee nonstop since my dog died last year and before that too, dealing with his aging health and caregiving for him. It all was emotionally a lot and that's not even mentioning the other difficult things in my life. So I'm sure I was self medicating with the coffee. I'm just hoping I'll have more resilience after the withdrawals on a sober brain than I did on caffeine. I felt like I wasn't fully present in my life. Couldn't focus well. Constantly on screens. Ups and downs and always tired. Couldn't be social without it. I'm going to try getting off sugar and reduce screens in the future. I don't want my life to pass me by and I don't want my brain to be so messed up.

Anyone else relate? I feel like I've had quite a few friends come into my life and the majority of them end up displaying patterns of behavior that make me pull away. Like people who lack attunement and feels like they use me as a therapist, or people who communicate badly, or straight up abusive narcissists. There's a spectrum but the result is that I'm so alone. I hardly ever have plans these days and I'm sad. It makes me feel like it's my fault because I don't have the capacity to nurture friendships just for the sake of it. I long for relationships that feel right 😢 but also it feels like people = survival and I feel like I'm in a season now where I've lost so many people that I'm scarily alone.

So I got top surgery last summer and cut my hair short and now I feel like I get read as a man. And sometimes feel like I make women uncomfortable. I was not expecting this. I did not have a fixed gender identity going into surgery, I just finally surrendered to being a person who experiences dysphoria with my boobs and needed surgery. I did it for the aesthetic and also for physical comfort and health. I just didn't expect that people would no longer understand my femininity as they once did... since regardless of whatever the fuck gender I am (gender is a construct anyway) I have a lot of feminine energy. And I am/was a racial minority and a woman so I haven't had much power/privilege in terms of my looks which is also partly why it feels sad and strange to be read as a man by women. Because I know I am a safe person. I am perfectly happy if men think I am a man since that would make me feel safer from them, but I don't feel like its 100% enough to rely on since I am still small and not on T, never have been. Lots of estrogen here.