u/_acidflowers

i thankfully broke up with my ex and we agreed to be friends but like it went downhill lol.. i broke up with them in the first place cuz they had sa'd me and manipulated me and abused me, but at the time of breaking up with them i treated it as no big deal. but it is, because i hurt myself in sexual ways while getting flashbacks and treat myself as if i'm an object and my only purpose is to be used by others. i hate it i'm so disgusting why do i do freaky things so much that i bleed 3: why do i want to be sa'd again but at the same time don't wtf is wrong with me 3:

ok anyways that was a bit off topic but umm yeah things went downhill and we stopped being freinds because apparently i was giving them weird looks or something?? they didnt even talk to me about it just went complaining to a mutual friend who told me.. and then a couple weeks pass from not talking to eachother at all and my ex told mutual friend that i'm not ok in the head, i have help in front of me but i'm not using it (i am, i increased my meds dose and i'm utilizing my therapy), that i manipulated them, and that i'm a liar. like genuinely how could you say that about me..? and the "manipulation" part was me "manipulating" them into saying what i wanted to say apparently. because i merely asked for them to have a more positive reaction when i share something i'm happy or excited about, because they would always be dry or rude. its such hypocrisy. you manipulated me into saying yes to your disgusting desires. even if i was scared, hesitant, even trying to change the subject. you manipulated me into thinking everything is my fault. and the thing is, i still do think its my fault sometimes. because i didnt say no, because i didnt directly say stop, because i was already hypersexual

and my ex also told mutual friend that i make them sick and they feel really uncomfy around me. which okay i won't invalidate that, but it makes me feel like i genuinely did something wrong and i hate making people feel bad even if i don't like the person. and its just like wdym i make you sick?? when you raped me, touched me, made me touch you.. like you have no idea how many times i've wanted to hurt myself and cry and just break down because i'm around you. but i tolerate it, i tolerate it because i don't want to put the mutual friend in a situation where they have to choose sides. but, my ex certainly does unfortunately. i feel so terrible that mutual friend has to deal with my ex constantly nagging her about being on their side, about how i did everything wrong and that they're right. and then my ex ALSO told mutual friend that they "tried to give me everything." i genuinely cant with this 3: like yeahh lolz u did give me everything!! nonconsensually!!! :3

i feel so sick

i feel so filthy

i am filthy

i am disgusting

your touch will forever linger on my flesh and i can't escape it

but it doesn't matter anyway because sex is the only thing i'm good for

how could you say that about me

when i did everything for you

i let you use me, touch me, even hurt me

i always tried to comfort you when you were upset

i always tried to make sure you were happy

i tried

i really did

sorry for the shit grammar and format i'm lowkey sobbing

lmk if this isn't silly enough i'll delete it lol :'3