Signs of CSA?
Hello, I am trying to figure out if I may have been sexually abused or molested as a child. I am a 29 y/o female. I have been afraid of men since childhood. I totally avoided dating or getting close to males until age 23. Even hugging or making eye contact with my own male family members made me uncomfortable a lot of times. I can remember experiencing dissociation and having trouble recognizing myself in a mirror from as young as 5 or 6, as well as having anxiety. Also experienced existential dread/sadness around holidays and guilt around receiving gifts or attention. At age 5 or 6 I started sleeping in my own room. That ended pretty quickly and I started sleeping on the floor of my mom's bedroom on a sleeping bag. I did that, by choice, every night until 8th or 9th grade. I can't remember why, I just remember being terrified to sleep in my own room as well as having nightmares and seeing things in the dark that weren't there. Flash forward to when I started dating at 23, I always had difficulty with touching the men I dated. I had no issues with them touching me, but the idea of touching them (specifically on the penis) gave me anxiety and much discomfort. This has worsened after being raped by one of the men I dated. I didn't date for 5 years and had little to no interest in sex. I now have a boyfriend of 2 months and we engage in intimacy and he is aware of a lot of my trauma and very understanding and patient when I start to dissociate. He checks on me and wants to make sure we take a break when I need to. I trust him and feel safe and comfortable with him. But I am still scared of touching his penis with my hands (or mouth, but also part of the rape was oral so it's related to that). Could this (along with the other things I mentioned) be a sign of childhood sexual abuse? I know I have repressed memories in the past: I didn't remember until a few years ago I had found a dead body as a child. I have been trying to heal from sexual and several other types of trauma and been in therapy for about a year. I appreciate any insight or advice anyone is able to give. Thanks