First major holiday NC and realizing how deeply embedded my family-related trauma is in me
This Easter (orthodox, our Easter is a week later than the catholic one this year) will be my first major holiday NC, and the first major holiday I will not be spending with "family." Yet, in spite of my newfound freedom, I feel the exact same waves of anxiety that would suffocate me if the "status quo" still applied.
The weeks leading up to holidays have always been filled with my mother's drama. Ever since I can remember, she would act as if she had to prepare for the armageddon, not for a celebration with the family she claimed to cherish so much. She imparted endless chores, deadlines, expectations; every interaction was so stressful and punitive that I never got to enjoy a single second. Any time off work that I could have spent resting, or at least doing things in my own home, for my own adult life, was hijacked by her and her endless list of tasks and visits and spending. So. Much. Useless. Spending. She is the kind who loves lording over people with gifts, some of you might now the type.
On the actual day, she would be incredibly unpleasant, rude, and passive aggressive to everyone present, while everyone - including people she straight-up offended to their face (last year she nonchalantly told my cousin that she was fat and ugly in front of the entire family, including her teenage son) - would smile and pretend they weren't out-of-their-skin uncomfortable about the whole thing. This has been every single holiday of my life, and I'm really keeping it short here.
A few days ago, the thought of no longer having to be part of this charade for the first time in decades made me giddy. But, now that it's approaching, my body is going through the exact trauma that has always been set to unravel around this time. It's both fascinating from a "body keeps the score" kind of perspective, as well as unnerving and disappointing; I really wish I could enjoy my first ever peaceful holiday.
If anyone has gone through this and has any personal experience to share, I would very much appreciate not feeling so alone in this. Thank you.