u/WoofMeowChirp22

All alone. Lost family by the time I was in my early 20s.

Been focused on career and money. My grief and trauma might have turned away some partners in my earlier years, working on that.

I’m also queer, so that might limit my pool by quite a bit. But overall I’m quite fit, quite wealthy, and learning to be a better person.

I do feel some anxiety getting close to 40 (I’m 39 later this year) and would really like to find someone to build a life and family with.

Yes I know all that saying about being ok alone and all. That was me for much of the last 16 years by myself. Way too much of that. I’ve been working on finding a spouse for the last 3-4 years. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

1.5 years into this journey

The first 0.5 I was still learning and reading, tried SATS, my person broke no contact, we re established physical and emotional closeness (tho there’s apparently 3p) - saw some things I brought into sleep happen

Next 0.5 things were even better, we were practically dating (tho yes 3p still there) - I kind of stopped SATS as I thought everything is good already

Then last 0.5, things just broke, wth… absolutely no contact, blocked everywhere despite hard attempts to find her, I decided nvm, I’ll give it my last good shot, and I just ignored 3d and lived as if.. I was happy, I found my groove for work again… but nope, still nothing, when I tried to reach out, it was cold silence. My heart broke, of course, with the ups and downs in the 1.5 years, I thought it was a done deal.

Now just thinking about it exhausts me. But somehow have some headspace today to think about it. Been spending the past few weeks grieving the loss like a normal person + grieving that trying neville’s method didnt work for me.

Yet, some of the things that happened likely due to SATS… didnt seem like a coincidence.

I’m in a dilemma now. I’ve been too tired and emotionally burdened by this to not feel affected when attempting SATS.

What should I do?

I went through this for 1.5 years. Saw some movement in between that encouraged me, but the last 0.5 years were flat out nothing, or in some ways, gotten worse. I’m also no longer young and would like to settle down and marry a person to build a home with.

For most of the first 1 year, I managed to muster all the faith I could find, and started seeing her as perfect, the version I wanted. I think SATS helped too.

But somehow, things were just always not quite there. There was always some reason given to me why we couldn’t get back together.

I’m tired, so tired. I engaged top help from this space and they couldn’t help me either. All that identity talk. Didn’t help. Nothing moved. My person remained uncontactable, and when forced my way to find her, it would be blocking, sarcasm and meanness, and even the police.

I guess people would tell me that it’s self concept, its subconscious beliefs, but I truly felt that I had this person already - and got on with my life.

Now, I’m just so lost. Having to grieve this person feels harder than convincing myself that I have them in 4d.

If anyone has been through similar issues and can offer some help, do share 🥹😭