So in my last therapy session my therapist called me abusive to my partner. So let me set the scene: I was telling my therapist about my small irritations and how quickly I can get frustrated and angry at my partner for small things and then feel guilty about it so I have to apologize and try my best to not do it again but then something else will happen and I can’t control my emotions. Cycle starts again. I explained to her a silly argument we had about going to the movies late and how I decided to hold on to a grudge way too long with my partner. She then proceeded to say that’s abuse.
Controlling my emotions whether I’m sad, happy, angry, or even hungry is hard for me. I always feel an emotion so intensely and so quickly. If something makes me sad I will immediately get sad and then after awhile that “thing” I was sooooo sad about doesn’t evoke the same level of emotions. It’s like when I ponder it some more I realize that it mattered to me differently than it actually did before. It’s really frustrating to be this way and I was trying to explain to my therapist about it and she called me abusive. She said that I’m abusing my partner (FP). When she first told me this I laughed out of shock because I couldn’t comprehend what she meant. from my eyes it felt like my anger and upsetness were justified because they are real grievances (just happen way too often and I want it controlled) but it’s not like I hit him or call him names, I just say I’m mad or upset at him for small things way too much. -But once she explained his point of view, I felt so awful. It’s not about him learning to not make me upset, he shouldn’t walk on eggshells because I can’t control my emotions. I truly hate my diagnosis. It’s not like I am doing this on purpose. I hate being called abusive but at the same time truly feeling like the victim.
I talked to my boyfriend about this and bless his soul, he said that he doesn’t feel abused and loves me. He just says “you are a little too much and need to not let so much affect you” but other than that he says he happy. I feel like he is but I know that he will eventually get tired of it if I don’t learn to swallow my feelings and ponder them a lot harder before I react. I’m actively trying but fuck. I can’t believe I’m actually abusive 😭💔