Advice for loneliness
Hi, I'm 17 years old and I'm looking for advice because loneliness is starting to weigh heavily on my life.I've never had any real friends, I've never been invited anywhere, it was always me who had to impose myself because otherwise I ended up alone. This year in high school I was bullied, but this time it really affected me. I went around talking to everyone, I wasn't introverted, but it was always the same thing: I asked questions and no one ever asked me any questions in return. One day they took me aside and asked me if I was gay (I'm not). They told me I had certain mannerisms, which is strange because no one had ever said that to me before and I never noticed it. But are they the problem or is it just me who's incapable of noticing that I seem gay (I'm not homophobic),I would approach everyone, but no one ever came to me. When I started a conversation, it always went in the same direction: me asking the questions, and no one ever asked me any. Then I was doing a work-study program, and it was awful. I was put down all day long; I felt like dirt. Afterwards, I got kicked out (thankfully). But it deeply affected me. The things people in my class said... I keep wondering if everyone thinks that way about me, and it terrifies me. I'm afraid my father will think I'm gay (I'm not homophobic, but I'm not gay, so being called gay when I'm not, I don't think that's very nice). It torments me immensely. What's even worse is that I have no passions. There are things I like to do, but nothing really excites me. I feel like I don't feel anything anymore, not love, joy, anything positive. Even when I self-harm, I don't feel anything. I'm going to be going into... I'm in high school, studying for a job that has nothing to do with me, but honestly, I'm about to quit everything because I'm scared. I don't want to be judged anymore; I see contempt in everyone's eyes. On top of that, I can't even look at myself in my phone's camera. I haven't made any friends. I'd like to go out with a girl, but honestly, I don't even believe it's possible anymore. I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. I go out for walks every day; I don't stay home all day. I go to bed and get up early. Even though, for the first time, I'm not feeling well physically right now, I'm sleeping very poorly, and above all, I'm losing a lot of weight. I weighed 75 kilos a year or two ago, and I'm losing it all. Now I'm down to 59, and it just keeps going down. I'd like some advice on what to do, whether I'm doomed or not, because I don't see a future for myself. And I'm slowly starting to think about something that would solve everything, even though I know that It would hurt my family
Sorry if it's poorly written, I'm tired and English isn't my first language.