u/West_Bid9173

We went back to church today for the first time after losing our daughter. It was very difficult to come back.

Last time we went there was on Feb 15 and that was the last day I felt good. It was such a lovely day because it was the day after Valentine's and since I work teaching children we talked about Jesus' love for us and we made bracelets and shared breakfast together. Then, on Monday I wasn't feeling good and on Tuesday was the day we lost her so that is why I say that Sunday was the last day of myself as I don't feel like the same person anymore. It was like my last day of happiness.

We go to a relatively small church and there aren't many babies, only a few little girls but it hurt to see them cause I knew that I was never going to be able to take my daughter to church with a dress and a matching bow.

And when we were sitting there, a couple that had never gone to our church arrived with a baby in a stroller, I mean, it felt like a bad joke. Fortunately it was a boy but I was thinking that I should also have a baby on a stroller.

I don't know what is God doing. Sometimes I blame myself for losing my daughter and other times I ask Him why He didn't spare her life and left her with us. I don't know if it was my fault or if it was God's permissive will as some people call it.

I feel so sad and a lot of anxiety cause I don't know how my future will be. I am already 35 (36 in August) and my husband will be 40 next week so I don't know if we have time. I always wanted to have 3 or 4 kids but I guess I have to let go of that dream. It feels like it's impossible but I also want to believe God is preparing something beautiful for us. I have conflicting feelings and I would like to know if any of the religious people who have gone through this have any word of encouragement for me.

On Feb 17 of this year I lost my baby girl. To me, it feels like it has been ages but it hasn't been that long.

My husband says that I hurt myself remembering the dates but in days like this I keep replaying everything before the loss. I am still blaming myself but I also blame my OB because he knew better and he should had taken better care of me. I had high blood pressure but I believed it was due to anxiety and "white coat hypertension" but in reality it was hypertension and the blood pressure meds weren't lowering it, and that it's what caused the placental abruption at 36 weeks.

Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep because I kept remembering everything, it was all very traumatic.. the most painful thing was waking up after the c section and asking for my daughter and nobody would tell me anything. I couldn't hold her, I couldn't see her, she was gone and I found out hours later.

In my country we don't have the 4 seasons, only rainy and dry seasons. In Feb and March we don't have any rain, but the day she was cremated I was still in the hospital (which hurt so much cause I wasn't able to be there) and it rained a LOT. Yesterday, it also rained, which I find it very weird, but at the same time it felt like a prelude for today.

I am so sad. I wish this wasn't my life. I don't want to keep feeling this pain but I also don't want to forget her.

I am sorry for everyone who has to go through this.