I dont understand but even when - intrusive thoughts - about we kissing and cuddling comes to my mind, even If i try to think about another things, i feel very relaxed and wanting to close my eyes and sleep
Its like, when I feel his energy of course i want to be with him, to be just so close, as a big hug wouldnt still be enough. I want we 2 turn into only one. I want to merge with him.
But, this hurts too bad. I mean, not saying with him hurts and its anguish. These days this anguish is very less that months ago.
But a thing I think i know is that I dont want to be in union with him. Even If its not the point of the journey, but just a consequence. I dont want this consequence. I mean, i want just to take care of myself and be the best person possible to me. I want to heal myself from traumas. But I dont want to stay with him.
Passion is alive, very alive. I still feel the sexual tension. I still want him physically. But I dont want him in my life.
I know no one will ever compares to him when talking about connection. But, It hurts. I dont want this.
I want to end this connection, this energy.
I already had 2 dreams that I texto him
In the first one, i sent "I cant stay away of you anymore. Miss you so much."
In the second one (of last night), I sent "Hello."
He replied: "Hey, how are you?"
I sent "I'm fine. And you?"
And the dream ended with his last answer: "I'm fine too."
I just want to understand why am I having these dreams. I'm texting not to think about him. I don't want to believe he really is my twin flame. But It feels like universe does not want me to forget him. I see his initial WHEREVER I GO. Its like, whatever I'm doing, no matter with who, I always see his initial. Or then, I see something that reminders me of him. For example, one song we talked about (this song is not that famous), a serie he likes (its not the thing that usually appears to me on Instagram, but its weird that im not seeing this only on Instagram. Even my father talked about this serie, and I was like "Please, i want to forget this.") And some of another reminders.
I don't want to be with him. To be honest, I feel like once part of me want him. But my conscious part doesn't want. I mean, If i think about my true feelings, i dont want to. There's a part which i cant understand that "wants him".