u/Waki-Indra

I have preverbal trauma. Neglect started at birth.

(Later came abuse).

I had a session today (Europe time). I am on heling journey with psychedelics for over a year now.

Today was planned because i had that leisure and according to astrology and knew that settling in deeply would not be easy, like being contemplative and quiet. There was potential for bodily/somatic work however (like softening the armour) and so I attempted to ride that wave. I hope that was it.

The trip was partly solo, with an online sitter at h+1 till h+2 ,

H is when i dropped 80mg. At h+1 i dropper 40mg. I am tiny.

Last night, a few hours before my trip i had dreams.

In one of the dreams i saw a baby cry, hanging above height, clasping with her hands in order no to fall. She was screaming and screaming.

In another dream a baby was on my side on a sofa/couch. She sort of let me get that she wanted me to prepare the couch as her bed so that she could sleep. I found the sheets and started to prepare while she was aldeary asleep, but there was my mother sitting on the other side of the sofa, a black massive weird shape that was not moving, preventing me from preparing the bed.

For the mdma session i had planned for movement and even spontaneous, organic dancing. Because of astrology, the body energy.

But I was not able to get up and hardly moved.

I just let my body be. It wanted to rest and relax and do nothing. It was icy cold. No amount of woollen cloths and blankets helped. Icy cold for 2 hours.

There was a sort of subtle vibration all over. In my legs and in my arms. I thought perhaps my nervous system is reorganizing. The armour cracks.

(But perhaps that’s just usual mdma effect? Nothing specific? )

I appreciated having my sitter there with me. She is an art therapist. I had asked her to prepare à play list but her play list was not appropriate and i told her several times that i needed slower tempo.

I did moan a lot. I rocked left to right on my back for a couple of minutes.

That’s all.

I was agonizing physically, crushed by fatigue and the vibration.

Mentally my thoughts were racing.

No emotion.

No insight.

A tiny bit of spiritual content (related to my spiritual beliefs and practices) but nothing new. It was there, supportive but in the background.

I hope that was à way for my body to process very early, preverbal trauma.

I didn't not test the mdma.

I feed exhausted since the come up and depressed since the come down.

Now, at H +12 can i take suppléments for the serotonin depletion or is it too early?

I did drink water a lot all day, and electrolytes. I took vitamines and Magnesium several times before and during the trip

Just out of an MDMA session

I want you all to know, brothers and sisters and all the other ones out there.

SLEEP IS THE GREATEST PSYCHEDELICS

(there you dream)

SLEEP IS THE GREATEST MEDICINE

SLEEP IS THE GREATEST TREATMENT

by design.

Embarked on our systems.

By all means let us all sleep.

(If anxiety allows).

Nothing else will make it for sleep. No medicine no psychedelics no buddy irl or on social media

LET US SLEEP

That’s all.

(Thank you Ursula Le Guin for the Word for World is Forest. They knew it all)

(WE CAN DO IT)

Please help me set my instructions to my sitter/helper

My issue: c ptsd, starting from birth, with preverbal trauma and physical/somatic armour against abandonment and physical violence. Chronic anxiety. underground terror.

I have done a few sessions of MDMA+ psilocybin in the last 13 months and about 10 sessions of ketamine. I am peeling off layers and layers or anxiety, despair, anger... and had extraordinairy experiences of safety, aliveness, cosmic love, freedom from conditionning. None of this lasts though. i am back to the old self (tiny changes only)

All sessions so far were solo (no therapist in my country, Europe) but with excellent set and setting. I did see a psychologist for 2 months (8 weekly sessions) for integration, mostly talking, because so much matieral came up (the IFS fierce managers and protectors, etc) that i had to get help and unload but that is not the deepest integration.

Now. I have MDMA and a professional art-therapist will be there with me online for 2 hours. One of her special skills is inviting free movements, bodily expressions. she handles playlists as her routine activity.

i called her. i know her, i trust her. i have done several art therapy and "life art process" workshops with her in the last 6-7 years.

She has never been sitting a psychedelic session but is open to whatever i may ask from her.

Now. my nervous system needs to learn to relax in the presence of others and let the flow of life force within me flow without checking if what I do (and actually what I am) is good enough and acceptable, without controlling. i wish it can really learn and shift. i know one session is not enough and also that integration is key.

but for now, i am preparing that one session. there may be more sessions with her later, with or without psychedelics.

The theme for this session, which i plan and elaborate according to the astrological configuration (there will be some healing potential on the forthcoming new moon), is aliveness, activating movement. The configuration does encourage organic impetus, the impusle of life, but it is not very quiet, and a bit fiery. It still has healing potential for me, subtle liberation from the armour.

That’s why i thought i will do a session and she could assist me in that work where body is central. i pal to move. let my body move, without armour or at least without controllong or checking how it moves and why (mental control, subtle, very fast thoughts).

Now... what ? Should she just be a quiet and benevolent witness? (she knows how to do that.)

should she sit with me all the time? (wont my nervous system feel triggered?)

Should we talk to each other from time to time? Should i report to her during the session? (we could plan a debrief session too).

Should she be the one in charge of the music? i do have my own playlist but she has hers. she is a professional (but again, not spécialiséd or train in psychedelics).

also. Woule it be better thar i start the trip on my own, with the regular setting: dark room, eyemask, laying down, just breathing.. and have her join me later? when she joins, i guess i need to add some light so that she can see me. should i keep the eyemask and eyes closed?

should i have the debrief later that day? or let a few days pass?

Any thoughts? any suggestions?

i have booked her for 2 hours.

i am not planning to add psilocybin this time because with it, the work is too intense and phyisiologically demanding. it also works longer.

the energy of this full moon has some depth for me but is not so much about underground emotions and memories. it is a forward energy and it does relate to the body as the place of Self expression. it does invite movement.

Side note: she is cancer survivor. she battre for several years l'atelier but now is back. so she must have gained much strength. That’s what she claims. i trust she is not a liar.

quel serait le meilleur coin pour poser mon ordinateur et un ou deux bouquins, pour bosser (rédaction). chez moi j'ai trop de distraction.

Idéalement un endroit :

- très tranquille et silencieux

- confortable

- beau si possible (le rêve : vue sur la mer)

- avec des horaires larges ( si possible en soirée et week-end inclus)

Emplacement : idéalement 1er et 7e arrondissement et sinon pas trop loin.

ça peut être une bibliothèque universitaire ou un café qui a un espace adapté voire dédié.

Edit : je ne peux pas travailler dehors en terrasse car la luminosité extérieure ne me permet pas de bien voir l'écran sans effort soutenu (dont je préfère me passer).