trying to explain to friends how bad it was is nearly impossible
especially when you are trying to explain why you do certain things that seem odd now.
Like, I wont cook if theres a really good cook in the house, because while I was being tortured one fo the voices that was really bad was a certain red-headed yelling dick of a chef and he screamed, yelled, called names, said i was bad at it, not doing it right, blahblahblah and its not like Im trying to cook at that level or anything but just anything i did there he was, screaming yelling and carrying on and I didnt cook anything for a long time after, but im certainly not going to cook when someone else is there who might have the same thoughts.
But it seems weird and fussy, and even mean and uncharitable and judgemental to friends even though i try to be up front with people about being tortured by voices for years, I dont think they fully grasp the meaning. I think they will always think torture is hyperbole or an exaggeration or even mostly a fabrication, they dont understand that it was actually torture and im not equipped to just get over these weird hangups i developed after.