u/VickiActually

CW: chasers, transphobia, inappropriate questions

I'm AMAB and my egg cracked in like 2021, and I took a long time to really do anything about it. I'm dressing more androgynous nowadays and going by they/them pronouns. Happy to vibe around NB (for now at least).

I live in a pretty big and progressive city in the UK, but I don't have many queer friends. So I decided recently to attend a social night for meeting fellow queer people - specifically to make friends. I've been twice now and both times I've felt forced to share info about my gender status that I didn't willingly want to share.

1st meetup

The 1st time I went was a few weeks ago. I dressed fairly androgynous - kinda layered clothes, jeans, makeup. I entered this room in a bar, and it was mostly cis gay men from their 30s into 50s and older. One of the organisers came up and introduced himself, I got a name tag - all nice things. I got chatting with some people.

Almost everyone was a gay man. I was really looking for gender queer people, but these gay guys were nice enough.

However, one person - I'll call them X (gender fluid, around 22 or 23?) - seemed to seek me out to talk with me. They were also AMAB and were wearing makeup. They told me that there weren't many gender queer people at the group, and tonight there weren't really any "other than us". They said that some of the older gay men weren't fully understanding about gender queer identities - which makes sense and didn't put me off the group overall. Me and X somehow started talking about chasers, and we shared some stories. E.g. starting a relationship, only to find out a little way in that they're fetishising me as a boy in makeup kinda thing. To be clear, X started this conversation. They shared their own similar stories, and we were very much in agreement throughout - that being chased feels kinda gross, etc. X likes all AMAB people, and I'm kinda mixed on sexuality.

Given that convo, I was a bit confused when a little while later X referred to me as a "cute boy". This happened a few times that night, and I cringed every time. They also said it was nice to have me here, as we need more people "in boy makeup". At that comment I kinda said, "I dunno about boy makeup - I feel like it's fairly feminine". So X said, "yeah, sorry, I meant makeup not in drag". (They are a drag queen at times, but tonight just a little makeup).

Throughout the night, X seemed to flirt with me. But knowing that they see me as a "boy in makeup" (literally their example of a chaser phrase), and that they're attracted to AMAB people (which isn't how I identify, it's how I was born) - I massively got the ick from them.

We did exchange socials (I was there to make friends), and they messaged me something flirty after we left the event. I tried to let them down gently, noting that they referred to me as being in "boy makeup" and I didn't really like that. They apologised for that phrase, and said they needed to "update" their language. Gurl, you're like 8 years younger than me! But they said that they got a vibe from me too (which I wasn't putting out).

So I said that they like boys and not-boys, and "I think I'm maybe not your type". At which point, X replies by saying "oh you're transitioning? I didn't realise". So now I'm in a position where I have to confirm or deny if I'm transitioning? They kept pushing, saying they like AMAB people but also gender queer people. But honestly I just wasn't into it.

I guess question 1: Is it fair to think of X as a chaser when they themselves are gender fluid? And is it common to meet gender queer people who are themselves chasers when trying to make friends in the queer community?

2nd meetup

I did actually meet some solid people on the 1st meetup, so I did return to try make friends. I got to speak with most of the people I met the first time, which was nice.

But at one point, I was standing in the middle of the room (I think a conversation had just ended or something) when these two people came over to me. One MtF (we'll call her Y) and the other FtM (we'll call him Z). For context, we had name tags with pronouns on them.

Y started saying "sister - you're going to be my sister". I was like "er, okay?" And she said, "you know, like T4T, well - you don't know yet. But you will." (As in, Y isn't very fem presenting yet, but will be one day).

I was a little confused as I'd never seen or spoken to this person before. Like I'm thinking, "She's clocked me as trans, but I can't blame her for that. Is she coming onto me? Is this just what being playful is like in this kinda setting? People constantly flirt with each other?"

Z then says that "everyone here is either a slut or in a relationship". And I was like, "erm, I'm neither really..."

And then Y and Z start asking where I get my oestrogen from. Y asks if I'm with a doctor, only for Z to act like that's a stupid question. Z says "no, you would definitely go DIY. It's way easier to get E than T, right?" I don't have an answer to this, at least not from personal experience.

Then they both start asking "seriously, how long have you been taking E?" I do not know these people. Is this not rule 1 of "how not to talk to a trans person"? Don't assume other people's situations, and don't come right out the gate with medical questions. But both of them are trans, so wtf?!

So I'm feeling awkward AF, but I'm here to make friends so I kinda suck it up. I just kinda say "I never said I was on anything." (Not confirming or denying).

And they start going "woah so this is you before E?" (I guess that's a compliment, but I feel pretty gross and called out from this interaction?)

Then X showed up, this time in drag and seemed to want to talk to me, but also they also seemed too awkward - probably from me rejecting them the previous time we met...

The question(s)

Is this normal in queer spaces? Are we supposed to just be fully open with complete strangers about our entire situations, medical status, relationship status? Is that how we make friends with queer people? Because that doesn't seem right to me.

And how can I feel more part of a community and meet more queer people without having to endure this kind of thing? I've been to this group twice, and both times I've left feeling like people kept digging until they got information out of me that I didn't willingly share.

I did make a few friends with some chill cis gay men, and I'm grateful for that. But somehow I wasn't able to connect with any of the gender queer people there? Now that I type this out, this is even weirder than I realised. I was expecting to have some awkwardness around the cis gay men, not for the gender queer people to be the source of my awkwardness.

I've been to queer nights before, been in queer spaces before, and I feel like the emphasis on total openness is pretty common. Am I doing something wrong?