I’m going to try point out my faults as well because I want a PROPER fair opinion (so feel free to highlight my faults). THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY LONG POST BUT I WOULD BE SO SO GRATEFUL.
Relevant context: My (22F) dad got ill when I was 17. Over 3 years, he lost memory and functioning and I only saw him 6 times due to Covid restrictions and university and a complex relationship. I didn’t talk often about the situation with these friends (22F and 23F currently) as I had a BSF who properly engaged with all of it.
ANYWAYS proper situation. These friends B(22F) and M(23F) have been in my main friend group of 6 people since we were 14. As a group, we do not message/ call at all really but we always eventually meet up and it’s like nothing. Until September 2024, we had all been separated at different universities and naturally become quite distant and developing slightly different. As of September 2024, me and M were back in our hometown while B was studying abroad.
Next section is crucial context to understand my later actions.
My auntie got hospitalised due to an ED and health problems in October 2024 and she is now permanently in care. My brother and I would visit and we try to get her to take meds. She would sob. She would insult. She threatened to khs (and I’d never even seen her cry prior). Then January 2025 my mum gets diagnosed with leukaemia. I tell B and M and no one else as I have grown distant from that aforementioned BSF. They express shock and ask how I am. Over February 2025-June 2025, B checks in a bit. M does not and we don’t meet up despite living back home. Over summer 2025, I become quite depressed. I do not leave my room. I don’t do hobbies. I get anti-depressants briefly in June. I don’t really make this known however.
NOW. July 2025. B’s 22nd bday. She wants to go clubbing and get a BnB in the city. It is meant to be me, B, M, F (22F), G(22F), M’s bf(22M), and 2 of his friends(both 22M). I know all the girls but none of the men. I have never been into clubbing. However, it is a birthday so initially I say I’ll go, especially since B, M and me are CLOSE friends. Gc is made and I’m getting anxious. One of the guys is flirting with B and M had previously wanted to set them up. Both F and G have boyfriends.
As I mentioned, I’m being honest even if I don’t come across good. I HATE being around good looking men in situations where they feel pressure to talk to me. The gc was getting flirty and I was beginning to see that I was the other “dating option”. Already feeling icky about the situation.
My mental health is shit shit. It’s getting closer and I’m dreading it since I’ve barely left the house this summer and I’ve gained weight so I’m also worried about getting unbearably sweaty just from being outside. Then two days before, I get my period. I get such bad cramps on my period that I throw up even water and spend most of the time curled up crying and not eating/ drinking anything. I message B and M saying I can’t go but I’ll pay for my share of B and B. They tell me to come anyways and just not go clubbing but stay overnight. I say no.
I message B privately explaining everything and apologise. B airs me out in gc. I feel so guilty I go to the B&B. I meet F and M on the train platform. Whole journey is uncomfortable and they’ve clearly been talking. I feel so guilty I buy a lot of the food and I help them set up and leave before the guy friends turn up. I brought a bday present even though we didn’t have to. I leave my digital camera for them to get pics. I let F keep my jacket because shes cold and not got one. I just felt so guilty and uncomfortable. I literally get home and cry. Never felt so uncomfortable. We don’t really talk again since that.
I know I bailed last minute on a birthday and that’s not okay. I also think they are upset because I didn’t celebrate my bday with them (I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 15 but other friends booked me a dinner). I think they perceived this as me celebrating without them instead of being surprised a bday.
I can’t help but feel anger though. I’ve been trying to communicate but the responses are dead. I’m most irritated with M however because she seems to be the most angry when it wasn’t even her birthday?? I also feel angry because they’ve barely been here despite my dad dying and my mum getting leukaemia but they’re going crazy because I didn’t go to a birthday celebration. Ik I was selfish but it was one event and not to diminish birthdays but we haven’t even celebrated mine in years so why are they acting like the end of a friendship over one event?
Also definitely feels like an end of a friendship since the friendgroup went on holiday a couple of weeks ago and I was invited once flights had been booked. If you’ve read all this, please also criticise my behaviour because I need to see it from their perspective because I don’t want to lose friends when my family is already dying.