It’s me I was the MOH. My best friend of over 10 years is getting married this year. We grew up together in City A, but she moved to City B, so most of her current circle is there and I don’t really know anyone closely as I would see them maybe once or twice a year when I would travel to City B to visit. Despite that, she asked me to be her MOH, which meant a lot to me.
Earlier in the planning process, the wedding was being discussed as potentially happening in Spain. I was really upfront that I wouldn’t be able to afford that, and those conversations were honestly pretty stressful for me. There were numerous moments where I was being asked what I could do to make it work, brainstorming how I could come up with the money, which made me feel uncomfortable and pressured given my financial situation. They eventually decided to have the wedding in-state, but that initial situation added some underlying stress for me going into everything else. The wedding is now in a small town that no one is from, about a 3–6 hour drive away. I don’t drive, and my partner of 7 years who does all the driving wasn’t invited. I do understand the reasoning to a point: it’s a small wedding (50 people), and she didn’t invite most partners, even for people traveling from out of state and those who are married.
One thing that made this more complicated is that I had asked about if my partner was invited fairly early on, and the responses were always a bit vague. It was never a direct no, more like something that sounded like it might be possible depending on space so I didn’t push it and assumed I’d get a clearer answer closer to the date. As it got closer (3 months out still no RSVP sent just save the date) and I still didn’t have anything definite, I finally asked more directly because I realized I couldn’t keep planning around uncertainty.
Once it became clear that he likely wouldn’t be able to come, that’s when the logistics really started to feel overwhelming for me. Without my partner, I would need to figure out transportation entirely through other guests I don’t know well, and I’d be relying on them for rides the entire weekend. There’s no Uber there and very limited transportation options, so once you’re there, you’re kind of dependent on whoever you came with. That lack of independence made me feel pretty anxious, especially because I struggle with my mental health and being in unfamiliar environments without a “safe” person can be overwhelming for me. The accommodation situation also added to that stress. The main option was a motel chain where the after party was being held, but some of the reviews mentioned issues like bed bugs, which made me hesitant, that she brushed off. Staying elsewhere would have made the logistics even more complicated since I wouldn’t have access to transportation.
Financially, it’s also been a lot. I’m currently in grad school and not working, and I’ve already spent money traveling for her wedding events including taking a train straight from my undergrad ceremony to attend her engagement party and booking a last-minute flight during my reading week to go wedding dress shopping with her. I’ve also been helping her with planning things like finding hair and makeup artists willing to travel to the venue. For the wedding itself, I would also be covering my own dress, hair, makeup, accommodations, and wedding gift. Individually, none of these things are unreasonable, but all together it started to feel like more than I could realistically manage, both financially and emotionally.
I also have to admit that it was difficult for me not having my partner included. I fully understand guest list limitations, but being asked to take on a major role in the wedding and celebrate their love while not having my own long-term relationship respected made the whole situation feel a bit unbalanced for me personally. The wedding couple both know my partner as well and we have been on 2 in-state trips together. Because of all of this, I sent her a message explaining how I was feeling. I tried to be thoughtful and clear that I wasn’t mad or expecting her to change anything about her wedding. I just explained that the logistics, costs, and circumstances were making me feel overwhelmed and that I didn’t feel able to attend as things currently stood. I ended it with I hope we can move forward and talk this out not to convince each other, but to understand each other better.
Her response was that she felt I was misinterpreting the situation and that a lot of effort had gone into trying to make things work for everyone within the constraints of a small wedding/budget. She explained that plus-ones might have been reconsidered later depending on RSVPs, and that my partner would have been high on that list over married couples. She also felt that I was overlooking the accommodations she had tried to make.She ultimately said that since I wasn’t able to attend with how things are, I would no longer be invited to the wedding or any related events???? Girl how are you uninviting me after I already said I can’t go. Petty af. She added she is not in a place where she is currently willing to have a conversation further about this. After that, she removed or archived all our photos from the past 10 years together on social media, untagged me from photos and unfollowed my partner and one of my unrelated close friends, which made everything feel more final and honestly a bit more wild and hurtful.
So now I’m trying to process losing a 10+ year friendship over this. I really do understand that weddings come with constraints and difficult decisions. At the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that the expectations placed on me as MOH didn’t line up with the reality of what attending would have required for me personally. I keep going back and forth between feeling like I should have sucked it up and not rock the boat versus being baffled and feeling disrespected.