Extreme Jealousy
hey, im back here again. i honestly am just having a moment of hopelessness (well, it has been going on for months to be honest. like a spiral of ups and downs) how do you cope with the extreme jealousy that occurs in relationships with a pwBPD? i feel like i am at a loss.
they are extremely jealous of my ex partner, which is someone whom i do not have any contact with and have not had any contact with for the entirety of our relationship. i try to be empathetic and to tell them that i love them. i have messed up a few times because i got frustrated that my feelings were being denied (ex. them telling me i do not love them or that they will never compare to my ex partner) but it feels like no matter what i do i will never be enough.
they often tell me that they feel like they will never compare to anyone else and that i will never love them the same way they love me, or the same way that i have loved anyone else. i try not to take it personally but it often just feels like the most painful thing in the world and i dont know how to deal with it properly. ive cried over how frustrated i feel that they do not believe me, but then im made to feel guilty over that because ultimately its my fault they feel that way.
they dont think i care or try at all. every mistake i make is a sign of the opposite of my feelings that im constantly trying to rewrite, only till the next mistake is made and it is added to the collection of reasons i do not love them, care about them, and that they are not the most important person to me.
however, they also complain that i view them as someone who doesnt feel these things (which is a problem i havent seen discussed very much on the sub). for example, they argue that i will never see them as someone who loves me and cares about me; and they get really frustrated at any hint of denial towards their feelings. i do believe they love me a lot. ive struggled with my own insecurities in the past and dealt with them badly to be fair. but ive spent a long time working on myself and trying to reinforce the idea i believe in them too! i constantly tell them that i see their feelings too. and again, one slight mistake and it blows up in my face.
it gets to a point to me where i just feel like such a vile and hopeless person. it aches so much. i feel like i am going crazy sometimes. im pouring in my all too, but i feel like so much more of a walking mistake and i cant take it. when i am hurt i should get over it otherwise they feel the most immense guilt and that makes me feel so guilty myself. they tell me they will always love me far more. that i will never understand that (both how they feel and the gravitude of their feelings). but when i hurt them it is a permanent stain etched into the core of our relationship. it is a hurt i should never expect to be mended, because everything i do to try and fix it just builds more pain. i just cause more and more pain. and, what i have done is such an offense that i am evil for wanting to grow past it. i wish they knew that i liked them, and that i loved them, and that i cared. am i really not showing it enough? will i never shake the narrative that i do not?
i feel like i am incapable of fixing or doing anything correctly. it really gets to you. does anyone else feel similarly in their relationship? does anyone else know how to deal with this? i can’t stop crying. i don’t want to blame them or end things. but i feel like i am a really hopeless person and i just want to know if anyone else feels like this too. if i am not alone. am i really doing everything so wrong? are my mistakes that horrific? my heart genuinely hurts; this pain is so physiological.
the worst part is that i know if i ever left (which i do not intend to do) that their thoughts would win out. that they would be there thinking that they were right; i never loved or liked them. that they would think i was going to replace them. when i know well that i’ll never fall in love again. especially not as hard as this. i wish THEY saw ME. my heart is always breaking.