u/Unbelievableteller

I (21F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (20M) since last October. While I struggle with prioritizing myself, I generally consider our relationship stable despite some ups and downs. Currently, I am facing an immense amount of pressure. My mother, who is my only living parent, had high-risk surgery today. I was entirely alone at the hospital because no other family showed up and my sibling had prior academic commitments. I was in a pool of tears when she went into surgery and again when she was brought back for recovery. I haven't slept in 18 hours, have barely eaten, and am still on my toes looking after her.

To make matters worse, I am struggling with my mental health because, while catering to my mom, I also have to deal with her current husband (my step dad) who I don’t get along with because he sexually assaulted me during my early childhood years including (you can refer to my other posts for more clarity).

Today, I finally lost my cool. My boyfriend texted me about his struggles with quitting "za," explaining how withdrawals make him cry and asking me to help him break the cycle. This isn't the first time; I have put everything on the line for him before. I’ve sacrificed time with my family and friends, and even stopped spending money on myself to save for our future and keep him from relapsing. Despite his professional success and intelligence, this issue never improves regardless of my help.

When he reached out today, I snapped. I told him he constantly victimizes himself and complains about his depression while I am forced to sit in a room with my abuser and care for my seriously ill mother. I am exhausted and sad, yet even on a day like today, I am expected to listen to how hard it is for him to stop smoking weed. He responded by saying he was sorry for talking to me while feeling "low and terrible" and claimed he would "never talk about his struggles with me again." Now, I feel guilty, but I also feel horrible for myself. No one checks on me, and while I’ve become emotionally numb to most pain, I find it exhausting and unfair to carry everyone else's burdens when I feel my situation is objectively harder right now. AITAH?

I (21F) live with my boyfriend (20M) in a 1BHK flat. Initially, he lived in another flat in the same building, but after graduating this year, he decided to stay back in the city where I study instead of returning to his hometown (which is also my hometown). This decision went against his parents’ wishes, but he still chose to stay and recently got a job at one of the Big 4 companies, where he’s doing well.

He often says I played a big role in motivating him to take life more seriously, and that before me, he probably wouldn’t have been this focused.

Now, the issue: his parents, especially his mom, wanted him to return home. During one of their arguments, he mentioned me, not in full detail, but did tell them that he’s seeing someone and that it’s more than just casual.

For context, I’m Muslim and he’s Hindu. I’ve always been upfront with him that my mom would never accept this relationship, although my younger brothers would likely support me. My dad has passed away, and I’ve lived independently for most of my life since my mom remarried, so while we’re close, her approval isn’t something I depend on.

He, on the other hand, always described his parents, especially his mom, as educated and open-minded.

Recently, I met his mom for the first time. She seemed quite reserved, so I kept things polite and didn’t push conversation too much, even though I’m generally very extroverted.

Yesterday, he was on a call with his mom on speaker, and I overheard the entire conversation. She told him to end things with me because she didn’t like that I’m Muslim. She even told him to watch “The Kerala Story” and asked if I’ve watched it. She repeatedly questioned whether he loves me and whether he has committed anything serious to me.

She also told him that since he now has a good job, he shouldn’t “limit his exposure” to a college relationship and could find someone better, specifically someone from the same religion. She encouraged him to mentally prepare both himself and me for a breakup and not to commit to me.

She also mentioned that when she met me earlier this month, she felt my “vibe was off,” even though we barely interacted.

On top of that, she asked if I consume beef (I don’t), and made comments about not tolerating disrespect toward her religion, while also implying that I wouldn’t tolerate criticism of mine either. I found this strange because no one was even talking about disrespecting any religion.

What hurt me the most was that my boyfriend didn’t strongly defend me. He did say that I’m the best person he’s met and that we get along well, but he also downplayed the relationship by saying he’s not planning to marry me anytime soon and that there’s plenty of time to think about all this, basically making it sound like it’s not that serious.

After the call, I told him that I found his mom’s comments narrow-minded and that I need to reconsider some things. He got upset and said that she’s his mom, and that she’s speaking from personal experience (his parents themselves are from different linguistic backgrounds—his dad is Telugu and his mom is Marathi).

Now I’m really confused and disturbed.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is my boyfriend at fault for not defending me properly? Or am I overreacting?

Post update

1. No me and my boyfriend don’t plan to marry right away ofc, but we do want to marry young (25-26ish) so that we can travel the world

2. I have already had a conversation about marriage with my boyfriend way too many times, and every time he reiterates that he is serious and he wants to see us ending up together married. Again these were his words even before I thought about it this way.

3. He has never mentioned my religion being the main problem for his family ever before this conversation I was completely kept in the dark about the extremity of his parents