u/Tricky_Chemical2205

Ive been on lamotrigine for almost a month (in 2 days). I was prescribed it because of my mood swings. I’m not even diagnosed with bipolar disorder but i’ve been diagnosed with borderline pd, so most of my mood swings are anger and depression.

Two weeks in I noticed how fucking stupid Ive become. I can’t remember anything, someone could be talking to me in my face and I wouldn’t be able to recall it. I can’t remember the easiest words. Im sleepy all the time. I cry at anything and everything. I’m not as angry or depressed, yes, but I feel so dumb. My brain fog is crazy as well, sometimes I don’t even want to finish my sentences because I get tired of talking or that I have no idea what I was talking about so I have to stop. I tried for 30 min to spell ‘definitely‘ yesterday that’s how bad. I started vyvanse two weeks in (I have the worst ADHD in the world lmao) and youd think my cognition would improve and my attention, but no. It feels like I could be so focused on something but I never get it right, cant remember it, or I won’t be able to understand. I actually can’t do this anymore.

Im on 100mg, I see my pysch this week but I can’t decide if I should quit altogether by tapering or go down to 50mg and stay there. If the brain fog and the memory issues dont improve, Its gotta go I think.

Just now I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t able to get “right“ spelled right and the whole time I was typing out ’write‘ im not okay

ALSOOO i don’t find anything funny, like i can’t laugh at anything anymore. I feel like a zombie. Shit i forgot what else I was going to add. When i try to think of something my mind is blank btw like that’s crazy. I lost my personality too like this is not faiirrrrr nooooooooooooooo

also would the withdrawal symptoms be really bad for me as i taper down? i’ve been on it for a month total

Okay, so I was diagnosed with bpd late last year. Honestly, the diagnoses was insanely shocking to me, I had no idea my behaviors aligned with bpd. Now though, I completely see why lol.

I have this tendency to go off on my family, because they know me well and I feel like I can be more myself with my outbursts and emotions. Obviously it's not easy for my family, but they understand and try to help me through it all. I split on my family members a lot.

With my friends, which I now have very few, I tend to block them. Everything could be going so well and they would have no idea, then boom, blocked. I lash out at myself, put myself down, and I end up thinking that my friends shouldn't have to put up with my behavior and they don't deserve a horrible friend like me. Mind you, they never see me in my emotional states, I would never let them see. The thing is, I've started to feel like I can't be myself around my friends and I think that makes me resent them. I feel like I'm putting on this act for everyone and I feel so exhausted. I know I'm not a good friend deep down, on the outside? Oh my, you all would probably find me to be an entertaining friend. For some reason though, it always feels like I'm their friend for them and they aren't my friend for me, back. I guess this could all be in my head and the fact that I don't ask for help and I'm a bit passive.

Honestly I'm rambling but I lost over 6 friends last year, and one of them was my friend for 15 years (I'm 22 F btw). If I explain my reasonings I think you'd all cancel me but I'll say this; I told them I'm struggling mentally, my mother recently got diagnosed with cancer, I've shaved all my hair off, I'm failing classes while working full time. But that's just context, the reason was that they always wanted me to hangout with them, and when I did, it was all just about them and the things they had going on. They would get irritated with me when I didn't want to hang out or drive 45 min to see them or even when I would hangout with them and I wasn't my usual bubbly self, they hated that, but I was struggling. I guess I'm traumatized but I know I wasn't the best to them either, I could've done things so much differently.

I now have 1 close amazing friend. And today I split on my younger brother and after that it was a downward spiral that legit could've gotten me sent to the scary place. I felt like ruining the good things in my life. I blocked my friend, for no reason. I feel so guilty, so very guilty. I don't know why I do these things. It might be that I don't have much going on, so I think about ruining all the good. I ended up unblocking her and sending her an apology message, all within a day btw.

I feel sort of all over the place. I feel like I'm the embodiment of my diagnoses and I feel so scared.

My mom told me that she notices whenever I don't have a stable friend group, my mental health goes down tremendously. I'm not sure what my issue is with 1on1 friendships but they stress me out so much. It always feels like I have to perform and be the jester for them, but when I'm in a group, I do well. I haven't had a friend group since I was 20. I'm 22 now and goodness I can't keep friends. All my life, I was all about my friends. That for sure has led me to never figuring out my identity, but it was nice. I miss it so much. I know that now though that wont be an option and I need to nurture the few relationships I have. I don't want to keep sabotaging myself. I hate being lonely yet I force myself to be alone.

I have a therapist btw, I just see her tomorrow and I had to get this off my chest.

Do you guys have any insights or advice?