u/Total-Plankton8255

I don't really open up about this a lot. But my mom used to abuse us. My siblings. Me. My step dad (who certainly enabled). And my real father (whom she gaslighted me my whole life into believing did not exist but that's another story).

At some point after my parents got custody of us after going to prison (a la child abuse charges). I got fed up with protecting her ego. I couldn't just pretend we lived in the foster system because the world is unfair.

That's how I became my family's black sheep. I was vocal. Especially because the abuse never stopped. Even after they got out of prison. But my siblings were, to no fault of their own, conditioned to accept abuse as a form of "tough love."

And I was more or less the real culprit who just couldn't grow up. If I was a "good little Christian" I would forgive. My ass. Repent first, make amends, then you get forgiveness.

So yeah I moved out ASAP. Was homeless the majority of my life.

Things were really different for my siblings. And they see it as, I am crazy. Like my life trajectory exists in a vacuum. And not that my moving out didn't have a direct impact on how differently our parents behaved and became more conscientious about their responsibility to not abuse.

Fast forward to today. It's been 4 days since I asked my family in our group chat for help paying my cell phone bill. And not one of them has replied in the group chat.

I'm the black sheep. I'm the trouble maker. So fuck me. Well I'm done this time. The only reason I started inviting them back in my life is because my ex GF had a picture perfect family. And I want my family to not be so divided because of the trauma of our past. But it's beyond repair. They can't even respond to say, sorry we can't help you. They just literally don't respond at all.

So here I am. Begging strangers. Which I've had to do the majority of my adult life. Because I have had no support system. And government assistance doesn't exist.

I'm going to have to hold a sign on a corner soon. I'm sure others in this subreddit are in the same boat.

I don't really open up about this a lot. But my mom used to abuse us. My siblings. Me. My step dad (who certainly enabled). And my real father (whom she gaslighted me my whole life into believing did not exist but that's another story).

At some point after my parents got custody of us after going to prison (a la child abuse charges). I got fed up with protecting her ego. I couldn't just pretend we lived in the foster system because the world is unfair.

That's how I became my family's black sheep. I was vocal. Especially because the abuse never stopped. Even after they got out of prison. But my siblings were, to no fault of their own, conditioned to accept abuse as a form of "tough love."

And I was more or less the real culprit who just couldn't grow up. If I was a "good little Christian" I would forgive. My ass. Repent first, make amends, then you get forgiveness.

So yeah I moved out ASAP. Was homeless the majority of my life.

Things were really different for my siblings. And they see it as, I am crazy. Like my life trajectory exists in a vacuum. And not that my moving out didn't have a direct impact on how differently our parents behaved and became more conscientious about their responsibility to not abuse.

Fast forward to today. It's been 4 days since I asked my family in our group chat for help paying my cell phone bill. And not one of them has replied in the group chat.

I'm the black sheep. I'm the trouble maker. So fuck me. Well I'm done this time. The only reason I started inviting them back in my life is because my ex GF had a picture perfect family. And I want my family to not be so divided because of the trauma of our past. But it's beyond repair. They can't even respond to say, sorry we can't help you. They just literally don't respond at all.

So here I am. Begging strangers. Which I've had to do the majority of my life.

Someone messaged me 6 months ago to post on borrow new and they would help me out with a loan. I used to post on the original borrow sub. I was getting no offers for help. So when someone told me to use borrow new and they would specifically help me, I considered it. But I had learned that it would cause me to be banned on both if I was asking for a loan on both. But since nobody ever replied to my posts on borrow, what did I have to lose by abandoning that sub?

Well the guy from borrow new is now just not responding to me at all now that I'm using his sub.

So I guess I just want to confirm. Can I post here if I'm already asking for a loan on that sub? I'm not getting any offers there either. But it's only been a couple days.

Well I made a post a couple days ago about my current liminal state in life. Which, I always feel is like screaming in the void. But as I said in my previous post. My family is not on good terms with me because they were more or less toxic and antagonizing toward me. I don't have money for a therapist. Are all men here, here for the same reason as me? We're too poor to go anywhere else?

Being poor with no support system, made me always feel like I had a disease. Like I was trying to hide a bite from a zombie from other survivors in a horror film. Just try and charge on like everything's just fine and not show any signs that I'm going to hold the group back. Don't cry. Don't wince. Classic "pull yourself up by the bootstraps."

What alternative does a man have?

I let my guard down in my relationships. No more than my most recent one. She made me feel safe to tell her my history. The homelessness. The embarrassing loneliness of being a bastard. We were family. And I was her partner.

That's over now. I chose to end things. And she doesn't see it the way I do. But I couldn't continue because we had begun a pattern of conflict and I wasn't getting help with conflict resolution. I relocated to be with her. And so it meant I had to relocate to go back to my old town.

After failing to get any help from my family financially. I took a second hit in my pride and reached out to her parents. We were close during those years. But they declined.

The next morning my ex GF called me. And threatened me.

I just wish I had the upbringing that it appears some others have had. To have someone to call when I need help.

I can pull myself up by the bootstraps. But it often ends up with a cycle of being homeless, depressed, and eventually begging for money on the street. I guess some of us just have to.

Personally I'm very biased towards government assistance programs. Because I was homeless for over 10 years. Not one fucking time did I ever get help from any of these organizations. Just constant "sorry you don't qualify, try calling a Catholic Church."

I used to sneak into apartment buildings and businesses and try to find a storage closet or unused office to sleep in at night. Then get up and go to work during the day. Obviously that was tricky, non-sustainable, and dangerous for me legally. So often times I wouldn't even sleep. I would go weeks bird bathing in public restrooms. A chunk of my earnings would end up spent on hotel rooms even though I would only get a bed and a shower to myself twice or 3 times a month. But winter comes around and you have to start making hard choices.

Another chunk of my earnings would go to paying for a storage unit. Which at times I resorted to sleeping in too.

Anyway. I kinda enjoy seeing these things go viral. Because I always wonder, who is getting aid from these places that seem to offer nothing but "have you tried calling a Catholic charity?" If my ass has to shave at McDonald's?

Why are Democrats so scared of being audited? If this kid is an idiot and easy to debunk - just let him post his hour long video and then you post your hour long audit-audit rebuttal and own his ass.

They're talking jail time for investigate journalism???

Today is the first time I let it be known to my family that I broke up. Great partner of 3 years. We were equally involved in each other's families. I will miss the times she would call home and put the phone on speaker. And we'd all be in the call. And when I'd call home or one of my siblings. We would sometimes call both our families, one at a time, the same night. So everyone was included in our relationship and that was truly special and I've never had that when anyone I've ever dated.

But in my family I'm the black sheep. Whether I want that or not. And the last 3 years was the first time in God knows how long, I was comfortable including them in my life. My ex really inspired that. My family was always at a distance before because they burned me in the past.

Today was a little sad. Because I've had to not only inform them this all transpired. But also I needed to ask them for money. Because I moved out. And moved away. I'm starting over and I have jack to my name. I have a friend who needed a roommate give me a place to land. And I landed a job after an interview. But I don't have any money to get there or cell service (relying on WiFi).

And I couldn't call everyone one by one so I put it in our group chat. And after I mentioned needing help with money. They stopped replying to the texts.

I grew up poor. Our family was never cushy. But man. I feel like they just always have abandoned my ass. I almost feel like if I was to reach out to my ex's folks they'd help. At least text me back.

It sucks how other people in my life have had my back more. I question why it is I even reach out to them. My nieces and nephews? Nostalgia? Existential ego?