u/ThrowRABeautiful_A

i got married late last year and i knew my husband had a history of opiate abuse but that he had been to treatment and had been off it. a few weeks after the paper signing, i found out he wasn’t off it and he was using daily. i did a drug test for the military, tested positive for fentanyl despite having never used and it was weeks after that he told me. i’m supportive in his road to recovery, he is clean now, and im a clinician for substance abuse to i understand the lies and how its normal even for usually great relationships. i want to be there for him but i just have so much resentment for the fact he let me sign a legally binding contract to him without telling me he was still using and also that i will never be in the military again because of him. is there a way to save this?

tl;dr/summary: my husband and i got married and he didn’t tell me he was using opiates before then. he’s clean but i hold resentment and don’t know how to keep going

tl;dr: husband didn’t tell me he was a daily fentanyl user before we got married and i got booted from the military because i caught a positive drug test due to his use. we’re newly weds and i have substance abuse clinical experience but there is resentment and i don’t know if i can stay through it

ok so i work with my husband in the tech field but for years prior i worked as a substance abuse specialist. when i met my husband, he told me he had a history of alcohol and opiate addiction, but that he had gone to treatment for both and is doing a lot better. anyway, in december we spontaneously eloped, neither of the families know about the officials but we live together and have been together for awhile. a few weeks after the courthouse (new years) he told me he is still using opiates. he genuinely has no problem with alcohol anymore and was very young when he was struggling with this. but the opiates he has been on since he was 16 after a painful back surgery and he’s now 24. (im early 20s as well). he is a very high functioning addict and is still able to keep up with work and life no problem, but ofc it’s still an issue. when he told me, i took him in to get some withdrawal meds prescribed, and we started working together on it. a few weeks later, we take a trip and i discover he’s still been using and lying to me about it. i found this out when he went into precipitated withdrawal after i had him take the meds he was prescribed. (he wasn’t on top of it and then i understood why). after that, he really did try and stayed clean for 2 months. after that he went out with a friend and relapsed with him. mind you, he told me he never wanted me to meet this friend because the friend would make me feel uncomfortable. according to my husband, he still hung out with him because he didn’t have many friends due to a mental condition, which was high-spectrum autism. he went to bed that night right after coming home (6 hours later than he said he would be and without any contact) and i decided to look through the pockets in the clothes he was wearing. i found two bags of fentanyl and one of them was empty. i persistently made him get up and shipped him across the country for a few weeks for him to go to treatment. he wanted to keep his privacy so i agreed not to disclose his absence to the family. hes been back for a few weeks now and he’s been clean over a month. i worked with his therapist to set boundaries for our marriage, including separation if he lies about using again. we also agreed he would attend an outpatient treatment program and go to NA meeting. he’s been doing good on the meetings, attends daily, but hasn’t registered for outpatient yet or been taking his meds consistently (only with a lot of reminders and pushing which i feel i shouldn’t have to do). all in all, he cares for me like no one else i’ve ever known and i know im good for him with my clinical experience. he loves me more than anything but i cannot get past the fact that he let me marry him without telling me that he was still a daily fentanyl user. i understand addiction and the shame that comes with it so i understand why he lied but i honestly regret signing the marriage papers. he doesnt know any of this, hes just noticed ive been feeling down lately. oh and the cherry on top is that fentanyl can be transmitted through bodily fluids so i did a drug test for the military, came back positive, and now am unable to serve for the rest of my life. thanks babe. he feels terrible about it and ive been understanding but there is still resentment because of it. i love him and want to help but this is not a good way to start a marriage. even further, i’ve been dealing with cancer treatments the last couple months so this has just been a whole problem on top of my own health issues. oh and his parents paid off my car and we live with them so that’s great too. looking for advice on where i draw the line and if the marriage is worth saving.

tl;dr summary: husband didn’t tell me he was a daily fentanyl user before we got married and im no longer welcome in the military because he accidentally contaminated my drug test. i’m supportive of his recovery, but there is resentment and i don’t know how to save the marriage