I regret transitioning after 10 years
I'm 27, I'm poly, I'm engaged with a man and everything was good in my life before I met this girl that is now my ex. Passing, money, projects, a solid relationship.
With my best friend around I started to partake more in night life and I started to realize that lesbians are super attracted to me. And somehow even more when I reveal that I have in fact a dick. I decided to give it a shot as my last time with a woman was before my transition. So one of these girls that did hit on me soon became my girlfriend, and in the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful, absolutely magical. Later on crazy stuff happened and we eventually broke up in really bad terms but it's not the topic here.
With her I started to experience the same feeling I had 10 years ago before transitioning, my feminine body started disgusting me, I stopped doing any kind of effort to look feminine and lost my passing which was something quite important to me but somehow I can't do otherwise. So now I'm not passing as anything, I just look like a genderless 17yo kid who's doing drugs.
With her I started pondering being a man, having kids, a house, a family I could take care of. This idea gave me so much energy, I started doing something with my life, I was investing, making good savings, studying and started looking for work, I passed my driver's license, got a good car, and learned her mother tongue.
Now I'm back exclusively with my fiancé, but it doesn't feel the same as before, I love him he's the person I love the most down there. But come on how can I be his girlfriend if I'm not even feeling like I'm a girl anymore. And he feels it, I know he misses the previous me, the woman, his girlfriend, he doesn't like how much I changed.
Because these things I started to want are not gone with my ex, I know, I feel it. This is the only thing that can bring some meaning to my life, a family, with kids. And I can't have them with a man. If I could I wouldn't mind having to play the girl for the rest of my life even if I don't feel like it anymore.
I have probably the best life a transperson could dream off, living the millionaire calendar with my fiancé, moving around the world without any issues thanks to passing and no trans hints at all if I give it the minimal effort. But I would abandon all this to be a man with a family no matter what the difficulties are. But in our times it doesn't seem like something feasible and that's why I transitioned in the first place.
Somehow I convinced myself that I was a girl for almost 10 years and it felt better that way. I wish I could go back in time and stop younger me to stop this madness, or that he could convince me that it's actually what we want and need.
I'm alone in that shit now, nobody can help me, I'm just a sacrificed man or maybe a woman, let's say a person who is sailing in those crazy times. Riding a big wave of shit while trying to stay clean.
The only thing that prevents me from killing myself is that I know I didn't fuck up my life as it was already doomed from the beginning. I know it because of how difficult it was with my girlfriend. To the point I'm not sure if I want to try again anyway.
At least I am proud of my social highjacking, I have the easiest very comfortable life possible in this world and I fuck plenty of lesbian girls, so I'm going to do this even if it doesn't have any meaning while hoping for global nuclear annihilation.
fuck my life I'm tired