u/ThrowRA-37780

Location: Washington state

Hi all, I posted this in r/relationship_advice but I figured I'd post here too to see if someone has a grasp on the legal aspect of this situation. I can answer other questions if you need more info.

Truthfully, I don't even know where to begin with this. I'm a first year medical student, and I went straight from undergrad after graduating this past year. During undergrad, I took out some student loans, but as far as I know, my parents were covering most my tuition costs. Ever since I was 18, I had my dad do all the financials for tuition and loans etc etc. He had my FAFSA log in. He used to be president of a brokerage firm, so my entire family entrusts him to make those kinds of decisions. In junior year of undergrad, our finances got a bit worse, and I decided to take up a part time job so that I could have some "fun" money.

Unfortunately, my "fun" money turned into me supporting myself. My parents helped cover my rent, and loans covered my tuition, but all my food, toiletries, utilities, and anything else I wanted to spend I used my income for. It was extremely hard, but I felt so bad asking for money from my parents. Several times, my dad called me up and asked for a small loan of $100-200 to cover small repairs in the house, or one time my mom's wedding ring needed a stone re-set. I said yes, and he asked me not to tell my mom that he was borrowing money from me out of shame. I never told her, and he never paid me back but I was okay losing a bit of money.

Now that I'm in medical school and I've moved, my rent actually decreased by almost half. My parents were still covering it, but I foolishly thought now that my rent had gone down, and I wasn't able to work a part-time job, I would get the same amount of money I had before. No. Instead, I was getting $100 a month for food, toiletries, and anything else I wanted. I don't have a car. I live in a fairly isolated location near my school, so anytime I wanted groceries I had to have one of my roommates drive me. Obviously, $100 a month isn't enough to cover food, so I had to start subsidizing with the food pantry on campus. Even then, with the amount of food I was getting and the stress from school, I've lost over 25lbs since last August.

My mental health started rapidly declining so I recently started seeing a therapist on campus. I told her about my money issues, and she suggested I look into my loans. I knew I had student loans fully covering my tuition, but I didn't know I was supposed to be getting ~16k a semester from loans meant to cover my living expenses. I feel so stupid for not noticing this, but I had trusted my dad to handle the financials in my best interest. If I split up my living expenses loans throughout the semester, I was supposed to be getting $2000 a month from the loan refund deposited in my dads checking account. Instead, I was getting $1150. I was so confused.

I just recently came home for a couple days for Spring Break. My therapist had encouraged me to bring up increasing my monthly budget with my parents so I WOULDN'T KEEP GOING HUNGRY. So at dinner last night, I mentioned to both of them that I didn't have enough money for food, and suggested a $200 a month budget for my expenses. (EBT would cover $300 a month but I was trying to start low and build up to more). I mentioned how I looked at my medical school's financial aid site and saw I'm supposed to be getting x amount of money a month in loans to cover living expenses, and how it was deposited to my Dad's checking account.

And everything went downhill. My mom had no idea I had loans taken out to help cover "my living expenses", and also had no idea about this other bank account my dad has. He played dumb, saying he had no idea what this bank account was, and then when I showed the email I got saying the refund had been deposited into his account, he switched and said the deposit had never hit his account. My mom questioned this and then he pivoted again and said that "Oh I actually declined that deposit" because he was trying to keep my loan amounts down. I was even more confused at this point, and said "If I don't need the loan, why did we take it out in the first place? It doesn't make sense to 'deny' the money".

We went round and round in circles with my dad playing dumb and averting questions until my mom just dropped it and went to clean up dinner. I pulled up my experian credit report thing and showed my dad that I also had a mysterious $100k in private loans with a 16% interest rate that were taken out in 2024 that I had no idea about. He tapped me on the shoulder and said he'd explain everything later.

After dinner, he followed me downstairs and confirmed everything. All my worst fears brought to life. He said that the extra loans for "living expenses" have been used to help pay for my rent, but the rest of it that's supposed to have been going towards my books, and transportation, and a new computer, and everything else, he's been using to help pay for their bills. Same with the $100k he took out a couple years ago. My mom has no idea. He pleaded with me to lie and tell her that I was just confused about my loans so that she won't find out.

He swears that he's going to pay me back eventually. My parents have APPARENTLY been waiting on a $250k tax return from the government from the sale of a property 4 yrs ago. My dad also apparently made a shitty investment in a $1.5mil annuity that was supposed to pay out last year but the company went under and is now refusing to pay him. Both of these are apparently involved in legal battles with our state government and the federal government to get our money. I don't know how much I believe that these are real. Given how much he's lied already, and how much he continues to lie, how do I know that he's going to pay me back? I'm so worried I'm going to become a resident doctor in 3yrs, and be saddled with all this debt that ISN'T MINE.

I talked to my brother yesterday, and he said that dad's been doing the same thing to him. Maybe not student loans since he's not in grad school, but my dad took about $10k from him when he worked one summer in undergrad. He swore he'd repay him, and didn't. He opened a credit card in my brother's name, that he had to then cancel because he didn't approve it.

I'm sure my parents are in massive debt. I know my dad's credit score is shot, which is probably why he's using my brother and I as money pits. But truthfully, I don't know what the money is going to. It's not like my parents are living lavishly. Both of my parents cars are on the verge of breaking down, and several appliances in their home are broken and need replacing. We have a multi-million dollar house that they could sell and downsize, and be FINE. My brother straight up asked my dad if he was gambling, or betting wildly on stocks and he denied it. But I don't know where the money can possibly be going.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if my mom finds out what my dad has done they'll get a divorce, which I don't want to happen. I don't want to report my dad to the police because he's already almost 80 and not in fantastic health. My brother and I are worried his plan B is just to die and have his life insurance pay out and cover everything. But I also feel like I can't let him continue to take MY money. For once in my life I want to be selfish and tell my dad to stop. But I don't want my parents to be poor. I truthfully don't know what to do from here. I know I was foolish in letting my dad take control over everything, but is there a way to fix all of this without screwing either of us over?

TLDR: Dad took out $100k in private student loans without my permission, and is currently using $30k of loans meant for my living expenses for him and my mom's bills. My mom has no idea, and I don't know where the money is going. Where do I go from here?

Truthfully, I don't even know where to begin with this. I'm a first year medical student, and I went straight from undergrad after graduating this past year. During undergrad, I took out some student loans, but as far as I know, my parents were covering most my tuition costs. Ever since I was 18, I had my dad do all the financials for tuition and loans etc etc. He had my FAFSA log in. He used to be president of a brokerage firm, so my entire family entrusts him to make those kinds of decisions. In junior year of undergrad, our finances got a bit worse, and I decided to take up a part time job so that I could have some "fun" money.

Unfortunately, my "fun" money turned into me supporting myself. My parents helped cover my rent, and loans covered my tuition, but all my food, toiletries, utilities, and anything else I wanted to spend I used my income for. It was extremely hard, but I felt so bad asking for money from my parents. Several times, my dad called me up and asked for a small loan of $100-200 to cover small repairs in the house, or one time my mom's wedding ring needed a stone re-set. I said yes, and he asked me not to tell my mom that he was borrowing money from me out of shame. I never told her, and he never paid me back but I was okay losing a bit of money.

Now that I'm in medical school and I've moved, my rent actually decreased by almost half. My parents were still covering it, but I foolishly thought now that my rent had gone down, and I wasn't able to work a part-time job, I would get the same amount of money I had before. No. Instead, I was getting $100 a month for food, toiletries, and anything else I wanted. I don't have a car. I live in a fairly isolated location near my school, so anytime I wanted groceries I had to have one of my roommates drive me. Obviously, $100 a month isn't enough to cover food, so I had to start subsidizing with the food pantry on campus. Even then, with the amount of food I was getting and the stress from school, I've lost over 25lbs since last August.

My mental health started rapidly declining so I recently started seeing a therapist on campus. I told her about my money issues, and she suggested I look into my loans. I knew I had student loans fully covering my tuition, but I didn't know I was supposed to be getting ~16k a semester from loans meant to cover my living expenses. I feel so stupid for not noticing this, but I had trusted my dad to handle the financials in my best interest. If I split up my living expenses loans throughout the semester, I was supposed to be getting $2000 a month from the loan refund deposited in my dads checking account. Instead, I was getting $1150. I was so confused.

I just recently came home for a couple days for Spring Break. My therapist had encouraged me to bring up increasing my monthly budget with my parents so I WOULDN'T KEEP GOING HUNGRY. So at dinner last night, I mentioned to both of them that I didn't have enough money for food, and suggested a $200 a month budget for my expenses. (EBT would cover $300 a month but I was trying to start low and build up to more). I mentioned how I looked at my medical school's financial aid site and saw I'm supposed to be getting x amount of money a month in loans to cover living expenses, and how it was deposited to my Dad's checking account.

And everything went downhill. My mom had no idea I had loans taken out to help cover "my living expenses", and also had no idea about this other bank account my dad has. He played dumb, saying he had no idea what this bank account was, and then when I showed the email I got saying the refund had been deposited into his account, he switched and said the deposit had never hit his account. My mom questioned this and then he pivoted again and said that "Oh I actually declined that deposit" because he was trying to keep my loan amounts down. I was even more confused at this point, and said "If I don't need the loan, why did we take it out in the first place? It doesn't make sense to 'deny' the money".

We went round and round in circles with my dad playing dumb and averting questions until my mom just dropped it and went to clean up dinner. I pulled up my experian credit report thing and showed my dad that I also had a mysterious $100k in private loans with a 16% interest rate that were taken out in 2024 that I had no idea about. He tapped me on the shoulder and said he'd explain everything later.

After dinner, he followed me downstairs and confirmed everything. All my worst fears brought to life. He said that the extra loans for "living expenses" have been used to help pay for my rent, but the rest of it that's supposed to have been going towards my books, and transportation, and a new computer, and everything else, he's been using to help pay for their bills. Same with the $100k he took out a couple years ago. My mom has no idea. He pleaded with me to lie and tell her that I was just confused about my loans so that she won't find out.

He swears that he's going to pay me back eventually. My parents have APPARENTLY been waiting on a $250k tax return from the government from the sale of a property 4 yrs ago. My dad also apparently made a shitty investment in a $1.5mil annuity that was supposed to pay out last year but the company went under and is now refusing to pay him. Both of these are apparently involved in legal battles with our state government and the federal government to get our money. I don't know how much I believe that these are real. Given how much he's lied already, and how much he continues to lie, how do I know that he's going to pay me back? I'm so worried I'm going to become a resident doctor in 3yrs, and be saddled with all this debt that ISN'T MINE.

I talked to my brother yesterday, and he said that dad's been doing the same thing to him. Maybe not student loans since he's not in grad school, but my dad took about $10k from him when he worked one summer in undergrad. He swore he'd repay him, and didn't. He opened a credit card in my brother's name, that he had to then cancel because he didn't approve it.

I'm sure my parents are in massive debt. I know my dad's credit score is shot, which is probably why he's using my brother and I as money pits. But truthfully, I don't know what the money is going to. It's not like my parents are living lavishly. Both of my parents cars are on the verge of breaking down, and several appliances in their home are broken and need replacing. We have a multi-million dollar house that they could sell and downsize, and be FINE. My brother straight up asked my dad if he was gambling, or betting wildly on stocks and he denied it. But I don't know where the money can possibly be going.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that if my mom finds out what my dad has done they'll get a divorce, which I don't want to happen. I don't want to report my dad to the police because he's already almost 80 and not in fantastic health. My brother and I are worried his plan B is just to die and have his life insurance pay out and cover everything. But I also feel like I can't let him continue to take MY money. For once in my life I want to be selfish and tell my dad to stop. But I don't want my parents to be poor. I truthfully don't know what to do from here. I know I was foolish in letting my dad take control over everything, but is there a way to fix all of this without screwing either of us over?

TLDR: Dad took out $100k in private student loans without my permission, and is currently using $30k of loans meant for my living expenses for him and my mom's bills. My mom has no idea, and I don't know where the money is going. Where do I go from here?