u/Thecrushbrush

I value everytime you are making a mistake and you having flaws in general. Not mine. I want to be perfect for you like a manic pixi girlfriend that is so amazing she never makes any mistakes. She’s so amazingly talented and doesn’t have any mistakes especially when it comes to creativity. I never want my mistakes to be shown and never want myself to be a burden. For you especially. A simple wish from myself to you. We do have an open connection that embraces our qualities flaws and all and you still want to be my friend despite my flaws. So why do I still feel like this? It’s because I want to never embarrass myself in front of you. Ever. I want to cover those parts of myself up.

What I mean by this is we still are friends. I love him no matter what BUT I want to feel like our connection is special. Every obsessive person wants this, we have selfless and selfish intentions. I basically am his fan girl in a sense, his only admirer. I want it to stay that way and thank god no one admires him that way. Yeah you can love him platonically, Romantically. But obsession? No you won’t stay that long trust me. Not as much as me. Not when you hear he likes someone else, not when you have to text first constantly, not when he can reply later because of his busy life, not when he has many other friends outside of you, not when he doesn’t remember important things that included your birthday because of his ADHD. Yes I named some of his flaws because I don’t completely idealise him. Trust me, you would probably get over him within a week or a few days because of his “dry texting.” Not when you hear his prospective of relationships. You would immediately turn away. So I wouldn’t even try. Also would you still be obsessed with him despite the long distance?

We have our unique connection and I’d like to stay it that way. An obsessive can basically scheme in order for a connection to feel special. Because they need it to stay special.

I don’t ask for us to be just boring friends to lovers, whatever is true when it comes to us I can handle. I love yearning for him for years that feels like there’s complications involved. Love it, drives me crazy. I have never yearned for anyone this way before. If we ever end up together then I love the slow burn we have right now. But if it stays this way, this crazy devotion that makes people question my sanity. Then so be it. They don’t know shit about us.

When my heart slows down a little and I see the friendship me and him have created. When love isn’t the only source that is romance. I may have talked about how I deeply feel romantic AND platonic feelings for him. Which is why I don’t mind the rejection. What I see then in my imagination is that we are just hanging around, making sarcastic comments about each other. Hanging around in some form of nature, forest, beaches. Getting drunk with some other people we have as friends too. Our bond isn’t an performance, it’s something we would always cherish. It doesn’t have to be an emotional opera 24/7. It is something that goes with the flow. Platonic admiration, the way you speak about your friends and your hang outs. The way you stay your honest self and giving brutal advice when needed to others. that includes me. Regardless of your warm welcome nature, you still speak where it needs to be spoken to. An admiration from myself where love is present in all spaces.

I need to have something as a hyperfixation or special interest. And when I was feeling very low it was, self hatred. Deep sense of self hatred because of the environmental factors I grew up in. Especially after my best friend went away I thought no one would stay especially with my “miserable attitude”. I thought I was too coddled too loved so I started being more and more harsh to myself. Having these self harm fantasies and others harming me in brutal ways. That changed. That changed through love I had in him. Slowly I became more accepting that I had to love myself too. And with that my best friend came back years later, because she moved away and came back to my country. You know it’s strange when people tell me to “find better” but don’t know what position I was standing in. To “find better” for me is to find people I can truly trust even if it’s just a few ones. I think I read to much fanfictions but I really love slow burn. It applies in real life apparently no wonder I still love him all these years. It’s not that I expect anything. He said to me “he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship.”

He said I was the only one that obsesses over him, even though he would find someone else to love no one else is his “fangirl. I’m glad I am his only fan girl that already feels intimate to me.. We still have a bond after all these years and to be honest? I’d rather have real bonds than moving on jumping into a relationship with another person. Just so I could feel “traditional love”. Nothing wrong with wanting that, I still daydream about it. But we still have a real bond while I’m being his fangirl and he’s this sort of “celebrity” for me well not really. I’m glad he isn’t a real celebrity with so much social pressure on how behave. And he has many irl friends who are just chilling with him. Thats all I need.

A guy friend of mine not M has some devotion for me. The same kind of devotion I have for M that I don’t mind me and M being friends because I see him as a friend and a possible lover. My guy friend however has the same type of devotion for me. Obsessive, clingy I felt bad to not reciprocating feelings but it’s better not to lie about it. That makes me more immature. I told him since last year of July, “I don’t have such feelings for you.” And that I want him to find better. But since then he still has feelings for me not saying I hate it. But would want him to find someone who could reciprocate his feelings. But I guess he’s like me in a way, I still love M despite him not reciprocating his feelings to me. I asked M directly if it was okay me still obsessing over him, M said yes. As I also still see him as a friend too.

My guy friend lets call him L, he feels like a brother to me. Chill, at times hanging out. We even have our exact birthday dates 6 months apart. We’ve been friends for like one year and I’ve known M for almost 4 years. Despite the long distance.

But no other guy has my heart and no other person has obsessed over him like I do. It’s like a bond you know that the other person isn’t perfect and has flaws. But you still obsess over him like he’s a celebrity wanting a shrine of him in your room. And it’s even better because you have a true bond with him. It’s amazing and I want us to stay together no matter what kind of friendly bond. Forever.

By the way, the girl in the video is not me.

Even if I don’t know them I am so thankful he has people supporting him for the way he is. That he doesn’t have to hide his flaws or vulnerabilities. I wish the same blessings for them for whatever they wish a 100x back.. my beloved birthday was yesterday and I bought something for him too. He is so grateful for me and I am so grateful for him... he deserves all the blessings he would want in this world and I want to spoil him forever for just existing. Just for trying so hard his best. He deserves that special day but I want to make every day his special day.. that’s one of my biggest wishes for him. But then again, if recognising only the best how could you feel the best? There’s life that doesn’t go without yin and yang. And through his darkest moments he still makes it. That’s why there’s victory always in the end and I’ve heard that 3 is a lucky number. Well my beloved M, there sure would be so much luck for you in store. My love for you to bring is endless even in tough moments. Love that is free and doesn’t have expectations. Love that is whatever the wind flows I follow. And I would always follow you m <3.

Loving you feels natural, breathing your air feels natural. It’s what my mind, heart, body and soul needs forever. Thinking about you 24/7 is natural for me. I don’t care if it’s crazy for anyone else. My love for you? I can’t shut up about it. I don’t care who listens but my online posts shrine’s scream, on the top of my longs for you. Going mad for you? Yeah that seems unnatural to others but for me it’s a sacred ritual.

“You are so basic why do you always have a cup of tea with breakfast in the morning? Why not come with us to Starbucks for even more options?”

Because my cup of tea is at home. And it makes me feel like home itself, on the table with a few extra sweets. Or, just in bed with a warm blanket surrounding me. I love that, I don’t care if it’s nothing new. It’s a part of my routine that I relish in doing. Whenever I go to a coffee shop, there’s so many different flavours but each one is set on expectations on how to taste it. Life already feels like a competition. And I also see people posting online shaming others for people’s tastes. On how they relish into their favourite drink and how that’s wrong. “Too much.” That’s the two words I always hear. You are not supposed to drink it too often, you’d come off as an addict. In my home there is no such thing as shaming others. It’s just a simple thing for others, that gets me throughout the most difficult days. My mind cooled off and my heart feeling warm. I think that’s more than enough for me.