u/TheElvenDimension

I (28f) work in a restaurant that is attached to a hotel. One of the front desk agents, let's call him Tom (32m) and I started to spend some time together outside of work. I made sure to set my intentions right off the hop. I am not interested in dating him for a number of reasons but it's mainly because of our differences in lifestyle. The more I got to know him, the more I was just interested in being friends. We'd smoke, walk his dog, watch tv, talk, and go for drives. Things felt easy and despite him being a little reserved, I thought we had established a genuine platonic connection and I was really starting to trust him (which is odd because it's only been 2 weeks and I have a hard time trusting men).

Sometime last week his true intentions started to come to light. I gave my phone number to a customer at work, I don't do this often but I've been single for a few years and this man and I were having a really great conversation. I told Tom about it and he was very openly upset. Saying "This is why I don't date" and "don't come crawling back to me when things don't work out". At the time I brushed it off but it didn't sit well with me.

I decided it was time to state my intention to be friends yet again, and he doubled down asking "how do you feel about platonic cuddling?" a few days went by and I was very hesitant but I chalked up my emotions to me not being open enough with my friends so I pushed myself to try it knowing I could always change my mind. Instantly it felt wrong, my stomach was in knots and I was so scared because I could feel this was VERY romantically charged and not platonic by any means. My entire body froze and I was scared to ask him to stop due to previously explosive partners and SA. He put his head on my chest and I gave him a pillow to block the contact, he kissed my head and I told him that wasn't okay, and finally he said "I've been wanting to do this for a while now, is that bad?" I somehow managed to keep redirecting the conversation and reset my boundaries every 10 minutes or so but couldn't find it in me to tell him to get the hell out of my home.

The discomfort of the situation persisted into the next day so I told him I actually wasn’t comfortable with cuddling and wanted to keep things platonic. His responce was "sounds good :)". There was no reason for me to think that he was upset. I was still open to fixing our friendship and having an open conversation about things. We didn't talk for two days and when I got into work yesterday, I walked into the lobby to grab my shirt as I do for every shift. Tom's back was to me and he was talking to another front desk agent using the exact same verbage as when I told him about me being interested in the customer "this is why I don't date." this time adding, "some women are just crazy". I walked up behind him and said "hello", he choked a little, laughed, and then tried to backpedal in his statement.

I got really frustrated and upset which lead me to talking about the situation during my shift with my two friends/coworkers. I didn't use his name and I wasn't trying to start any drama, I was just really hurt and processing my emotions in real time while also managing a large section on our busiest night of the week. I wasn't making accusations or dragging him through the mud, but I'll admit I was probably more vocal about my emotions than I should have been in a work environment. After work, I saw that he randomly sent me $25, when I asked why, he said it was for Uber charges and snacks that he missed. It felt avoidant and like he was trying to tie up loose ends instead of addressing anything that actually happened.

Now I feel like everything is awkward. I don't trust him anymore, I don't feel comfortable being around him, and the whole connection went from sweet/innocent to tainted/charged. I can't unhear the things he said about wanting to sleep with me or drop the feeling that everything he did and said was just to get into my pants. In the same breath, I feel guilty because of how openly upset I was at work. Now I'm worried people think I overreacted or that I proved his point about me being “crazy.”

I genuinely thought we could be friends and now I feel disappointed, angry, and betrayed. I don't want his money, I don't want an empty apology, I just wish he had been integral with his words and didn't put me in this position in the first place when I had clearly stated my boundaries from day one. There are so many little details and nuances that I am definitely forgetting, and I'm happy to answer any questions. I am just feeling very shaken for the first time in years and I want to know if I am in the wrong or if I just have a hefty amount of internalized mysogyny.

So… AITA for how I reacted and for setting boundaries, or is he in the wrong for how he handled (or didn't handle) everything?