AITA for being upset that my (24F) fiancé (24M) will not go down on me?
I apologise greatly for how long this is. To start off, I have an extensive history of being sexually assaulted starting from a young age and my fiancé knows all of the details about this. I have had almost every form of sex "taken" from me, except for receiving oral.
My previous partner used to perform oral on me and it was one of the things that made me feel the most loved and would make it easy for me to orgasm. That was before my previous partner started being abusive a few years down the line.
My fiancé, who I love more than anything in the entire world, knows how I feel about oral sex. He said he tried it on another woman before and did not like the taste and texture of it. He has performed it on me once and he said he did not mind it, and it was something he would like to try again. I never pushed for it during sex from then out, hoping he would take initiative and perform it by himself. Over the years, I have brought it up several more times.
Recently, I brought it up again and emphasized the importance of it for me. He agreed and kept saying he was going to do it. I even purchased scented and flavoured wipes made specifically for oral sex to make it better for him because I care about him enjoying it. I made sure I was fully shaved, showered well, and used wet wipes every time I went to the bathroom to make sure I was always fresh. He kept putting it off and "pinky-promising" to do it the next day. I started to feel incredibly unwanted and like my parts were gross. I started crying and told him how I felt and he ended up saying that he did not want to do it all and he led me on because I made him feel stuck.
I asked him why he didn't want to do it and he told me he does not need a reason. I apologised and said I just wanted to know what about it he didn't like and he brought up the taste and feeling on his tongue but was referencing the other woman. But he had done it on me before so I do not understand why he didn't look back at that experience. I told him he does not have to do anything he is not comfortable with and that I would never force him but that hearing he will never do it hurts me and I need time. I cried all last night to the point I needed by rescue anxiety medication I normally use for my PTSD (from the assaults) and I still feel hollow and sad.
I have been thinking a lot and I don't feel adored or beautiful. He never calls me beautiful but says it is because he isn't good at outwardly showing that and I told him I understand. He will try to be better at that aspect. I am unsure where to go from here in terms of the oral sex. I threw out the wipes and am trying to come to terms with never having oral again.
AITA for pushing it so much? I adore him so much. He is my safe place, and it would break me to lose him.