15 years of friendship, 3 years of ghosting: How do I find peace when she keeps promising to reach out?
I met her when I was 13, and we were very important to each other for the next 15 years.
She has a complicated family history and grew up in circumstances that didn’t make it easy for her to start life with a carefree attitude… among other things, dealing with negative emotions and conflicts/confrontations has always been very difficult for her.
We’d had periods of no contact in the past, and it always followed the same pattern: suddenly she’d stop reaching out, ghosting me. I could never handle that well and tried to reach out to her; or, when I realized it wasn’t going to work, I’d write to her that it hurt me, confused me, and that I didn’t want to be treated that way…essentially setting my boundaries. Eventually, she would get in touch and suddenly accuse me of situations that had happened months or even years ago. I reacted with understanding and empathy, but at the same time, it felt very unfair to be made aware of things with such a delay and, in a way, to have been punished with silence in the meantime. Even though she obviously didn’t use that as a punishment, but was simply unable to address her issues…
The last time this happened, we made plans for how to handle it in the future; addressing things early and directly, being available and reliable for each other… Well, what can I say, it didn’t work out.
Almost three years ago, we texted almost every day, saw each other regularly, and so on. During that time, she wasn’t doing well on various levels, and I listened to her a lot. By then, a clear imbalance had already crept in: it was really all about her; she rarely asked me how I was doing anymore. All of a sudden, she stopped responding to me, neither to texts nor calls, and that went on for months. I was terribly worried about her, imagining the worst… Then I found out through mutual friends that she was doing just fine, that she was currently on a road trip with friends… right at the very moment I had sent her a text asking for a sign of life… I was so hurt that she wouldn’t even give me that one sign when I told her I was worried, while she was on vacation…
Well, after that, I wrote her a letter in which I shared my feelings of uncertainty and hurt with her, I also assured her that I understand how difficult it can sometimes be to balance everything, and that while it hurts me, I don’t hold it against her. I wrote that she’s welcome to reach out to me as soon as she has the capacity and space for me in her life again, without leaving me hanging after a while. So I set my boundaries clearly again… Months later, her first response to that was a text message in which she assured me how sorry she was and that she would get back to me about the letter in the coming days… I replied right away in a kind and understanding way. After that, I didn’t hear from her for two years (except for an anonymous bouquet delivered on my birthday; the words on the greeting card were her exact wording). After two years, I sent a very clear text message saying that I found it unacceptable that she hadn’t reached out and was shirking her responsibility, etc.
On the same day, she texts me saying how sorry she is, how ashamed she feels, that she’ll get in touch, etc., and how important I am to her… Then nothing for months again; eventually, after 5 or 6 months, a small package in my mailbox: dried flowers in an envelope, the book *The Inseparables* by Simone de Beauvoir (in the letter, she writes that while reading it, she had to think of me the whole time and had wanted to give it to me for a long time because of that), and a letter filled with memories of our friendship and shared experiences; she emphasizes how unique and important our connection is to her, how much she values me, blah blah blah. Then she explained that she understood my letter back then and was proud of me for setting my boundaries and taking care of myself, but that she felt so ashamed and distressed that it caused her immense pressure and anxiety, which is why she somehow put it off or pushed it aside. In the end, she offered to do coaching or mediation sessions and wrote several times that she is taking responsibility and wants to take responsibility. I responded immediately by sending her a long voice message in which I expressed both understanding for her feeling overwhelmed and bewilderment at the extent of that overwhelm (two years!), thanked her, and said that I couldn’t imagine our friendship blossoming again at this point, since I’ve lost trust in her and in our friendship due to this long period of time and the deep hurt, but I did express openness to a clarifying and final conversation. I also asked some questions that she hadn’t answered in the letter or that had come to mind after reading it.
What can I say, she wrote back the very same day, thanking me for the messages and saying she’d take the time, but that a lot is going on right now.
Now more than 5 months have already passed again…?
What the hell is this?
I just feel the need to really put this behind me, but I can’t do that without a conversation, without knowing the why.
At the same time, I also know there’s no reasonable explanation, that it’s most likely rooted in her emotional and communicative incompetence…
Nevertheless, her ghosting has triggered total insecurity, self-doubt, and self-esteem issues in me. How can someone who supposedly cares about me treat me this way? Especially when I tell her how it’s affecting me? There are so many unanswered questions.
Over the past few years, as is normal when you get older and grow up, some friendships have faded away, but I always knew why, and that helped me process it quickly and well.
But this ghosting…not knowing at all what’s going on in the other person’s mind, and reading over and over again that I’m supposedly important to her and she’ll get in touch soon, blah blah…is so confusing and just won’t let me go… it’s really disturbing my peace of mind and won’t let me find any peace.
I’ve now decided to just call her in the next few days and ask for a quick chat; if she doesn’t respond within a week (or doesn’t show up for a scheduled phone call), I’ve decided to block her. I’m hoping that I’ll either gain clarity and peace of mind through a conversation, or by realizing that she won’t even take 15–30 minutes for me, so I can finally move on...
Do you have any other tips or thoughts? How do you truly move on and regain inner peace?
How do you deal with similar situations in your lives? I think it’s so important to talk about this and validate each other’s experiences, because in my opinion, this kind of behavior goes against human and interpersonal nature, and it’s totally normal to have a hard time processing something like this. We arent a message or a call that can be dismissed with a swipe, nor are we a letter that can be left to gather dust somewhere; we are sentient and valuable human beings who deserve respect, reliability, and sincerity.