I lost my baby boy shortly after labor last June. It was the biggest and most devastating loss of my life. Looking back at the woman I was then, I am amazed how she made it out alive.
But somehow, she did.
I am now 18w pregnant with my rainbow baby girl. I have found so much joy in this pregnancy. I have thanked our baby boy for sending his sibling and always seem to find a silver lining. (Is that expression even appropriate here?)
But today, oh today is rough. My doula/friend will finally drop off our first-born’s belongings. The clothes, the nursery furniture, the diapers, the gear… everything I had ready for him that was left untouched. Our doula was amazing enough to pack everything up and store it away… so that when I returned from the hospital with empty arms, I wouldn’t have to deal with an empty, abandoned nursery too.
I have so many emotions. I feel like drowning in grief again, but then feel guilty. Guilty for not being more grateful for this rainbow. Guilty for thinking that I will lose this baby too. I sobbed in my husband’s arms… he held me as I repeatedly said “I am scared. I am so scared”.
Just when you think you have swam past the chaotic swell, another set, that seemed so far in the distance, comes crashing down on you. Forced to swim with all our might to simply stay afloat.
Thanks for reading💕