Work stress is destroying my mental health and I don’t know what to do anymore
Since October last year, I’ve been feeling sick almost every morning before work. Out of 5 workdays, I vomit on about 3 of them. I can’t concentrate, I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I’m under constant stress, but I honestly don’t fully understand why.
I work as a software developer in a corporation. Last year, 4 senior developers from our team were moved to other projects, and I ended up being the only senior left. Since then, they hired new people who still need time to learn and adapt. We also have a Product Owner who has been on the project for about 2 years, but doesn’t really understand the product well and tends to say “yes” to almost everything.
I constantly feel fear and anxiety whenever something needs to be done. I feel like I progress very slowly, and things seem to get worse over time. I’ve also had thoughts about wanting to disappear, not exist anymore, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts.
I also have a mortgage, and while people suggest changing jobs, I honestly don’t want to move to another corporation. Other jobs here pay much worse.
The hardest part is that I used to have energy. I regularly rode my bike, ran, and went hiking. Now I barely have energy for any of those things anymore. I even started smoking again, and every morning I need to smoke 1–2 cigarettes just to calm myself down enough to function.
At first, weekends were still somewhat okay, but now I feel stressed even during weekends. It honestly feels like this job is slowly eating my soul, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
If anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice or direction, I’d really appreciate it. I feel completely stuck and don’t know how to move forward.