We thought our BPD mother was dying, she's sick but not dying anymore. My dad is asking me to fly across the world anyway.
Trying again with the cat tax included.
Hi everyone, I am in quite a bit of a dilemma right now.
A few days ago, my wife and I received a call from my family (Dad/Sister) saying my BPD mum was having health complications leading to an organ failure and was on her "last days". I had a un-refundable trip with my wife planned for the following week that I was willing to forgo/cut short to fly back to my hometown (long haul flight, more than 10 hours away) despite exorbitant plane ticket prices to support my family ,especially my dad and sister who were successfully guilted into believing this was their fault.
For more context, the month prior to this, I had gone no contact with my mum after a disastrous visit she made coming to my wedding. The trip, despite being for my wedding was rife with meltdowns toward me and even my wife's family (taking any chance to pour her heart out, tears - the full works) and incredible expectations that I had no way of fulfilling given the circumstances.
She had built up a wondrous holiday in her mind that I for one had no capacity for and two, refuse to accommodate because I did not want to validate bad boundaries and unfounded expectations.
In the month that I went no contact, I communicated clear expectations. No communication, take the time to seek treatment for your mind and body we can reconvene. But of course this fell on deaf ears and in the one month of NC I received endless sad "mother related" content (videos that were ai, facebook, self recorded), messages. She reached out to my wife through multiple platforms as well but we remained silent.
Then came the call mentioned above and it felt like every building block to every boundary I tried to build just broke and I finally took a call from her as I genuinely thought these were her last lucid days. In that call, she spent two hours making unfounded accusations, warped recounts of the visit and placing the blame of her condition on my father, sister and me.
To be honest, I've shocked myself by how little I felt about the news of her "imminent death" and my feeling of indifference bordering repulsion from that phone call told me that the only reason why I was going to head back home was to support my dad and sister whom I still share positive relationships with.
For further context on their relationship, my dad had been on bad terms with mum for at least two years when he faced his own health issues and decided he no longer wanted to live according to her needs/mood swings (as she is a very dependent person - unable to get anywhere by herself or even shop for groceries, by choice not by disability). My mum has never been the same since he drew his own boundary and is now outsourcing her needs to me (across the world) and my sister (living in the same city as her but relentlessly emotionally abused).
Here comes the dilemma. We just found out that the initial death scare was a misdiagnosis and she's not in fact dying, her organ is badly damaged but will recover. I no longer intend to drop my trip or head back home anytime soon given the exorbitant cost of forfeiting a non-refundable trip and purchasing long haul tickets at almost $4,000 (economy).
Unfortunately, this whole situation has broken every boundary dad made with mum and he is now insisting that I return home to "help out" because he is devoting 24 hours to mum in the hospital (which tells me everything I need to know about how bad things have gotten with him because he has always been a workaholic, plus who in their right mind with healthy boundaries do something like this)? He's also started to "guilt-trip" me by saying he needs me and this really bothers me as he always used to be respectful. I don't know if he is being a mouth piece for mum or just insisting I come back to pacify her to make things easier for him. On the other hand, my sister understands my position.
I risk spoiling my relationship with my father, which means I will no longer be able to help him "get out" of this situation. Secondly, I don't want to validate my BPD mum by dropping everything and heading back, I don't want her thinking if she's hospitalised she would get access to me, if things aren't critical and I head back for a hospitalisation (given she has a plethora of health issues from self-neglect) - then the bar would be so low and who knows what other forms of self neglect she would resort to if I go NC again (which I intend to), sometimes I swear she wills these conditions into existence. For one, she takes no responsibility or accountability for her health, hospital visits and her medication, two, she complains to no end about anything and everything - so we never know when she is serious about when something is wrong (Hence, this whole situation).
Am I the asshole for choosing not to go home?