if you go into my profile youll see my last post ab my situation w my family, but rn i can only wonder
is not detransitioning even worth it if me being trans tears what couldve been a loving family down (and what is a loving and supportive family for my brother) and leaves me filled with guilt and a guilty happiness?
sorry ab the doompost, mods feel free not to accept this but i needed some kind words
hey! before anything, english isnt my first language. im not sure if this is the correct subreddit but its one of my first posts.
i (18 ftm) live with my parents (wont put their ages but i dont think theyll read this). i realized i was trans when i was 13, thought i was non binary for a while (or tried to think that while i was with my cis ex boyfriend (my same age)) but decided to transition at 15. i changed my name to smth closer to my deadname but still masculine.
i made the mistake of not telling my parents before changing my name at school, back then. i was pretty scared and ive always been very non confrontational (i would say yes to anything if it would prevent a fight), so i thought it would be okay if i didnt tell them.
it wasnt. my school called them (after checking in with me) and told them i wanted to change my name. once i got back home, they talked to me ab it and i thought they were cool with it.
that year i went through a rough patch. my ex bf broke up w me, i distanced myself from (our) group of friends and at the end of the year i decided to switch schools.
a few weeks into my parents knowing i was trans, they sat me down and spoke with me. they told me that they could respect it but they didnt agree with the idea that i was trans. they told me they "didnt see any signs" and all that.
over the next few months, it became evident that they (particularly my mom) feel down the terf rabbit hole. she started sitting me down omce in a while trying to "check" (not the right word) what i felt ab being trans.
it got worse once they found out all of the people who used to be my trans friends when i was 13 detransitioned (desisted, as they loooove to call it, and i hate that term).
before the new school year, they asked me whether i was going to introduce myself as my deadname or as a guy. i told them i wasnt sure (that was a lie tbh).
the past two years have been pretty much the same, with them trying to avoid anything that could showcase the fact that they dont see me as a guy (school meetings at my new school, running when my friends came over, etc).
today, my dad sat me down again and talked to me ab the fact that i want to change therapyst. ive been going to the same one for 6 years and i havent had progress in a while. my parents seem to be under the impression that im somehow going to conversion therapy or with someone whos going to tell me that i was born a woman so i must be one.
afterwards, he started going on about how embarrassed he felt seeing everyone who knows me as a guy, how i seem to be sadder now (i think hes comparing me to when i was 11 years old, so that makes sense), how my mom spends a lot of time going through old photos and videos from when i was younger and happier.
he asked me to rethink whether i was actually happy and begged me not to "ruin my body" with surgeries and "drugs". i dont have severe dysphoria generally (mostly when someone has to see my body, though my current partner always tries to help w that, or on really bad days), but i wont deny that getting on hrt seems a little appealing to me. however, the fear of god my parents put into me is holding me back a little.
im not sure what im looking for but i feel heavily guilty for ruining my parents' lives by what feels like a whim. im feeling severely dysphoric and hate myself so much rn i need advice and someone to lend an ear. tysm for listening even if this reaches no one