u/StrictCondition9

On a larger level, human beings understand very little about themselves. When it comes to astrology and other ancient systems, many people dismiss them as “blind belief” and argue that there’s no point in knowing things like the age at which one might die.

But consider this: imagine a person is destined (or naturally going to) live up to 75 years. If they never knew this, their life would unfold normally, and death at that age would seem sudden or natural.

Now imagine the same person is told early on that they will die at 75. That knowledge doesn’t just sit passively in the mind—it can shape thoughts, fears, decisions, and even subconscious behavior over decades. Over time, this belief might influence their mental and physical state in subtle ways, possibly guiding them toward that very outcome.

So the question becomes: is it destiny, or is it a self-fulfilling psychological loop?

Either way, the result may appear the same. Whether you know or don’t know, events might still align in a way that feels “destined.” This doesn’t necessarily prove astrology as absolute truth—but it also suggests that dismissing everything as mere superstition might be an oversimplification.

Perhaps the deeper reality lies in the interaction between belief, psychology, and the unknown aspects of human existence.

​

This is not just about love. Or maybe it is… I’m not even sure anymore. It’s more about what my mind did to me when I thought it was love.

I used to think we have free will. Like we choose things. But the more I’ve lived, the more it feels like we actually don’t choose much. We don’t choose our parents, our family, where we grow up. Most of life is already decided before we even understand anything. And then people say you can choose your partner… but even that doesn’t feel completely in our control. There are families, beliefs, situations, dependencies… sometimes it feels like everything decides except the person.

I grew up in a house where things were never stable. There was always some tension, something unpredictable. Over time, I became someone who could sense things before they happened. Like I was always trying to prevent problems before they even started. From outside, it probably looked like maturity. But honestly, it was just pressure. Constant pressure.

And I think when your mind keeps running like that for years… it starts looking for a place to rest.

Maybe that’s how this started.

I won’t call it pure love, because now when I think about that word, it feels confusing. But whatever it was, it felt real. I knew some things weren’t ideal. I knew there were things that didn’t make sense. But I ignored all that. I wasn’t thinking logically, I was just… believing.

The connection was weird. It wasn’t clearly one-sided, but it wasn’t fully mutual either. Sometimes it felt like… one-sided from both sides. There were moments where she reached out, even called me from really far away, and then there were long gaps where nothing made sense.

And for me, silence was never just silence. It turned into overthinking.

I started checking my phone again and again. Waiting for replies. Reading old chats, trying to find meanings in things that probably didn’t even have meanings. If she was online and didn’t reply, my mind would just go crazy creating explanations.

Not because she was wrong. Not because I was weak. Just… my mind couldn’t stop. It was trained like that.

Slowly everything started getting affected.

I couldn’t study properly. I would read but nothing stayed. I would try writing but my thoughts were scattered. My performance dropped. My sleep got messed up. Some days I would just lie down the whole day without doing anything. I gained weight. I stopped connecting with people. Even when I was physically present somewhere, mentally I wasn’t there.

And the hardest part was… I couldn’t accept it.

I couldn’t accept that maybe she doesn’t feel the same. I couldn’t accept that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how genuine you are. My mind kept trying to find reasons to hold on. It just refused to accept a simple truth.

At one point it got too much. I realized this is not just emotions anymore, it’s something psychological. Like a loop I can’t get out of.

That’s when I went to a psychiatrist.

Honestly, in the beginning it didn’t feel helpful. Medicines didn’t suit me, things felt off, and I thought maybe even this won’t work. But I continued. Slowly things started getting better. My sleep improved. Anxiety reduced. That constant heaviness started going away.

I started feeling… normal again.

But something else was happening at the same time.

I started learning things I never thought I would.

Earlier I was very rigid. Just focused on one path. But this phase broke that. Apart from studying for UPSC, which itself feels like studying everything, I started exploring completely different things. Psychology, philosophy, astrology, palmistry, manifestation, Swara Vigyan, breathing, even painting.

At that time, it didn’t feel like growth. It just felt like I was trying everything to understand or control something. But now I see it differently.

Those weren’t distractions. That was expansion.

Life didn’t become easier. I just became… different.

I also used to think a lot about existence. Like if life is so rare, if being human itself is such a rare thing, and even in that if you feel something deeply for someone and still can’t be with them… it feels like a permanent loss. Like something that could have existed will never exist again.

That thought used to break me.

But now I think maybe not everything that feels right is meant to happen.

Maybe not everything that doesn’t happen is a failure.

Sometimes it’s just… direction.

I don’t hate her. I don’t blame myself either. We were just in different situations, different realities. What I felt was real. What she chose was also real for her.

But the biggest thing is what I became because of it.

I understand my mind better now. I understand attachment, expectations, and acceptance in a way I never did before. I know now that you can’t control people or outcomes… but you can learn how your mind reacts.

And honestly, when I look back now, it doesn’t feel like just suffering.

It feels like something that shaped me.

Maybe this was never just about love.

Maybe this was how life—or whatever you call it—was trying to change me into someone I was supposed to become.

For a long time, I was stuck in a question—was it one-sided, or was it something more?

But over time, I realized that for me, that question didn’t really matter.

What mattered was how I experience people.

I’ve come to understand that, for me, a person is an evolution. The way I see someone doesn’t stay the same—it changes, deepens, and takes new meaning with time. And once that evolution happens, I personally cannot go back.

There was a time when she was just a friend.

Then there was a time when she became something more.

But once I had seen her that way, I couldn’t return to the earlier version of myself—the one who felt nothing beyond friendship. That version of me no longer existed.

She gave me a clear option—to stay in her life, but only as a friend.

But for me, I cannot talk to someone as if nothing ever changed, as if nothing ever existed beyond that. What I felt was not something temporary or meaningless—it was an evolution. And I cannot pretend that it never happened just to fit into a space that no longer feels true to me.

For more than two years, I kept trying. Holding on to possibilities, to “maybes,” to something I thought could become real. And when it didn’t, I struggled—not just with the situation, but with accepting it.

I used to feel like I was losing something.

Like maybe I wasn’t enough.

But now, I see it differently.

For me, not achieving something after genuinely trying doesn’t mean failure. It just means that despite everything, it wasn’t meant to come into my life in that way.

And acceptance, for me, has been the hardest but the most important part.

I’ve also realized that when emotions are intense, I tend to overlook everything else. I make things feel bigger, more necessary than they actually are. And when that intensity settles, I start seeing things more clearly.

Right now, when I look back, it doesn’t feel as heavy as it once did.

It doesn’t take away from what I felt—it just changes how important it feels.

I don’t see it as a loss anymore.

Just something I went through, something that shaped my understanding.

And maybe that’s enough.

For me, what matters now is staying aligned with what I truly believe in—my own values, my own way of seeing things—with honesty and clarity.

Everything else, I think, finds its own place over time.

This is not just about love. Or maybe it is… I’m not even sure anymore. It’s more about what my mind did to me when I thought it was love.

I used to think we have free will. Like we choose things. But the more I’ve lived, the more it feels like we actually don’t choose much. We don’t choose our parents, our family, where we grow up. Most of life is already decided before we even understand anything. And then people say you can choose your partner… but even that doesn’t feel completely in our control. There are families, beliefs, situations, dependencies… sometimes it feels like everything decides except the person.

I grew up in a house where things were never stable. There was always some tension, something unpredictable. Over time, I became someone who could sense things before they happened. Like I was always trying to prevent problems before they even started. From outside, it probably looked like maturity. But honestly, it was just pressure. Constant pressure.

And I think when your mind keeps running like that for years… it starts looking for a place to rest.

Maybe that’s how this started.

I won’t call it pure love, because now when I think about that word, it feels confusing. But whatever it was, it felt real. I knew some things weren’t ideal. I knew there were things that didn’t make sense. But I ignored all that. I wasn’t thinking logically, I was just… believing.

The connection was weird. It wasn’t clearly one-sided, but it wasn’t fully mutual either. Sometimes it felt like… one-sided from both sides. There were moments where she reached out, even called me from really far away, and then there were long gaps where nothing made sense.

And for me, silence was never just silence. It turned into overthinking.

I started checking my phone again and again. Waiting for replies. Reading old chats, trying to find meanings in things that probably didn’t even have meanings. If she was online and didn’t reply, my mind would just go crazy creating explanations.

Not because she was wrong. Not because I was weak. Just… my mind couldn’t stop. It was trained like that.

Slowly everything started getting affected.

I couldn’t study properly. I would read but nothing stayed. I would try writing but my thoughts were scattered. My performance dropped. My sleep got messed up. Some days I would just lie down the whole day without doing anything. I gained weight. I stopped connecting with people. Even when I was physically present somewhere, mentally I wasn’t there.

And the hardest part was… I couldn’t accept it.

I couldn’t accept that maybe she doesn’t feel the same. I couldn’t accept that you can’t force someone to love you, no matter how genuine you are. My mind kept trying to find reasons to hold on. It just refused to accept a simple truth.

At one point it got too much. I realized this is not just emotions anymore, it’s something psychological. Like a loop I can’t get out of.

That’s when I went to a psychiatrist.

Honestly, in the beginning it didn’t feel helpful. Medicines didn’t suit me, things felt off, and I thought maybe even this won’t work. But I continued. Slowly things started getting better. My sleep improved. Anxiety reduced. That constant heaviness started going away.

I started feeling… normal again.

But something else was happening at the same time.

I started learning things I never thought I would.

Earlier I was very rigid. Just focused on one path. But this phase broke that. Apart from studying for UPSC, which itself feels like studying everything, I started exploring completely different things. Psychology, philosophy, astrology, palmistry, manifestation, Swara Vigyan, breathing, even painting.

At that time, it didn’t feel like growth. It just felt like I was trying everything to understand or control something. But now I see it differently.

Those weren’t distractions. That was expansion.

And slowly, something changed inside me.

Earlier, I needed someone to calm me down. Now, I’m the one who stays calm and even helps others stay calm. Earlier, small things would disturb me a lot. Now, even big things don’t shake me the same way.

Life didn’t become easier. I just became… different.

I also used to think a lot about existence. Like if life is so rare, if being human itself is such a rare thing, and even in that if you feel something deeply for someone and still can’t be with them… it feels like a permanent loss. Like something that could have existed will never exist again.

That thought used to break me.

But now I think maybe not everything that feels right is meant to happen.

Maybe not everything that doesn’t happen is a failure.

Sometimes it’s just… direction.

I don’t hate her. I don’t blame myself either. We were just in different situations, different realities. What I felt was real. What she chose was also real for her.

But the biggest thing is what I became because of it.

I understand my mind better now. I understand attachment, expectations, and acceptance in a way I never did before. I know now that you can’t control people or outcomes… but you can learn how your mind reacts.

And honestly, when I look back now, it doesn’t feel like just suffering.

It feels like something that shaped me.

Maybe this was never just about love.

Maybe this was how life—or whatever you call it—was trying to change me into someone I was supposed to become.