u/Strange-Wish-895

My situation is very similar to many other stories. Push, pull, manipulation, lies, abuse and SA.

We've been NC for six months now and I still think of him everyday, I even miss him, or maybe Im missing the way I sometimes felt. I know Im battling a serious truama bond. I saw him as my best friend, lover, partner and soulmate.

(After getting back together after our first major makeup he told me he doesnt believe in Goe but he prayed for us to get back together and since we did he now knows that prayer get answered and that we're destined to be together) What was I supposed to do with that?

I feel like he hijacked my emotions, thoughts and reactions. I remember being unhappy, catering to him, managing his emotions and changing myself. After awhile everything he loved about me became the things he disliked. He made me feel insecure and jealous (telling me he told his female students that he was single???) First of all he was crossing a professional line but also why even tell me? Bc he wanted to make me feel insecure.

Anyway this is getting long and I apologize. The whole purpose of this post is that I know what type of person he is. I know the things he said and did were wrong. And I know Im healing from a truama bond although it feels more like a fight. I dont want to miss him and I dont want to thinknof him. Its like Im a junkie always craving another hit. How do I get past this? I often think if I were happy itd be much easier but how the heck do you become happy after your whole life has been twisted and torn? Please help me with advice.... Im feeling really helpless

Dear Trauma Bond,

You slithered in like smoke through cracked windows, wearing his smile, his touch, his whispered lies. Your arms were velvet ropes, tightening with every "I love you," your kisses laced with venom that tasted like forever.

We spun in the wreckage, hearts slamming against ribs, where bruises bloomed like flowers and screams felt like songs. I mistook your claws for closeness, your silence for depth, your rage for fire that proved we were alive.

You fed me the storm until calm felt like death, taught me to hunger for the crash, the shatter, the bleed. Every scar you carved became a compass needle, pointing straight back to the ruin I called home.

Now he's gone—doors slammed, echoes fading— but you remain, curled in my chest like a living thing. I wake to your breath on my neck, your fingers tracing old wounds, regret flooding my throat like bile I can't swallow.

Anger boils hot and useless, fists clenched at empty air, because I still reach for the ghost of his grip in the dark. Sadness pools in the hollows he left, heavy and cold, a weight I drag through days that stretch like accusations.

Dear Trauma Bond, you didn't leave with him. You're the shadow stitched to my skin, the echo in my pulse, the ache that whispers his name when the room is too quiet. I hate you. I need you. I can't tear you out without bleeding dry.

You're the lover that stayed, the one who never walks away. And in the ruins, I sit with you still— trapped, furious, forever yours.