The absolute fear of being forgotten
I'm writing this post because I had a huge crashout today over something completely fucking idiotic.
I'm 19, and I have severe NPD traits. I don't know if I fully have the disorder yet, but after my three-month collapse, I'm starting to seriously suspect it. Today I reached a level of self-awareness where I realized I'm a walking contradiction, and I'm ruining my own chances of being remembered.
Not only do I spend more time daydreaming about fame than actually doing things (partly because I want to do too many things and don't know where to start, and partly because the possibility of failure makes my blood boil), but I also push away almost everyone who enters my life. At best, I reduce people to acquaintances I see once every couple of months because I'm never interested enough to build anything deeper.
The only long lasting connections I still have are with my family, my cousin, and my closest friend, but even with them I'm distant, and sometimes I just want to disappear from their Life because I can't stand them at all.
Today I realized that none of my other friends or relatives truly care about me anymore, because they spent years trying to build bonds with me and it never worked out. Now I'm terrified that nobody will cry at my funeral or carry on any kind of legacy after I'm gone.
I'm honestly becoming paranoid. I feel this desperate need to get famous as soon as possible so people will remember me. And if I fail, part of me thinks I'd be willing to orchestrate some dramatic death in my 40s just so people in my town could turn my story into some fairytale for their kids.
I know this post sounds delusional, and honestly, maybe it is. I even used alcohol to calm myself down after these thoughts, which I never do because I usually see it as pathetic.
I just want this fucking collapse to end. I can't handle these constant swings between feeling superior and feeling completely worthless anymore, It's always been like that but my moodswings were never this frequent.