My babies didn’t cry because they couldn’t..
I’m 3 weeks postpartum and had a realization today that kind of hit me hard.
I left my abuser 6 years ago. I’ve been with my new husband for 5 now, and I have two older kids from that previous relationship. There’s about an 8-year gap between them and my new baby.
My newborn cries a lot more than I remember my older kids crying. But if I’m being honest, my memories from when they were little are really foggy because of the abuse I was living in at the time.
Today I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with how much my baby cries. My husband just sat with me, rubbed my back, and reassured me that babies cry and that I’m doing a good job. And then it kind of clicked.
My older babies didn’t cry like this… because I couldn’t let them. If they cried, my ex would get angry. I was constantly on edge, doing everything I could to keep them quiet to avoid setting him off.
Now, my baby cries because she feels safe. She cries because she knows I’ll comfort her. Sometimes I’m the only one she wants, and that’s okay.
If my older babies had been like this, my ex would have resented me for it. He would have taken it out on me in ways I don’t even want to fully think about.
It’s such a strange, emotional realization. I’m so grateful for where I am now, but it also makes me sad for what my older kids and I went through. In a way, it feels like they had to be “easy” babies just to help keep us safe until I found the strength to leave.
I just needed to get this off my chest, especially to people who understand what it’s like to live with someone like my ex.