Trying to help my girlfriend, not going well
i'm new to this community and really appreciate the posts i have read. My GF and I have been friends for like 20 years and about 7 months ago she moved in with me and we started dating. She is super special to me and i've wanted to be in a relationship with her for many years and there have been a lot of good parts of the past months but a lot of difficulties too.
She has gotten fixated and upset at me for "wanting her to be different" based on a few things I said. Mainly that i wished she would spend time with my family, that she would try to work on getting a job, and that she would stop cutting herself. I tried to explain that I love her and that wanting her behaviors to change is not the same thing as wanting her to be a fundamentally different person, but she insists it is the same....thoughts on this?
I'm just really bummed out because I want to be a partner not just a caretaker and it feels like it has been way more of the latter. She has almost no one else in her life and has said many times that if we don't work out that she will kill herself. She consistently pushes my boundaries and I often give in.
I really want to help her find stability and build a life she can be happy with but it is starting to seem like that may never happen. I try my best to be understanding but it's really hard sometimes. Like i get that she hates herself and wants to self-harm, but does being bipolar really make it impossible for her not to? I feel like she should still be able to not do that, but maybe i am wrong.
As far as the job stuff goes, I understand it could be tough but even if it doesn't work out just her trying would be enough for me but she doesn't seem to want to even try. She gets a little money from disability but it is not much and I am living paycheck to paycheck supporting both of us and it pisses me off that she uses the little money she gets on drugs and frivolous amazon purchases instead of helping with rent or other expenses.
I don't want to end things with her because, like i said, she has almost no one (she says that everyone abandons her eventually) and nowhere else to go. That said, I don't think I can do this for years and years if she is not willing to make some changes but when I try to encourage her or communicate my wants and needs she gets so defensive about me not loving her for who she is and then goes right to "I should just kill myself".
I tell her that I love her and that I wouldn't be doing all i do for her if i didn't but she takes things so extremely, like for example i told her calmly once that one of her vocal exercises (high pitched screeching) is a little annoying and she took that to mean that her singing in general annoys me, which it doesn't. and now she wont sing which sucks cuz i legit love it when she does.
anyways, sorry for ranting, i dont get to talk about this much to people who might understand.
so yeah, i love her and want to help her. even tho i am starting to feel it might not be possible
would love some advice on how to navigate this.
thanks.