sexually repulsed but horny
I’m 17F and very fucking confused.
I’ve always been curious about sexual themes and already as a kid (7-8ish) I watched kink/fetish videos on YouTube and genuinely felt aroused by it. My interest for sex has remained about the same up until now, but I don’t FEEL much anymore. How come I could get all tingly as a child all of the time but barely now?
I think a part of it has to do with being groomed and sexually exploited, which left me feeling disgusted and shameful about my body and sexual actions. I can’t touch myself without feeling embarrassed and gross, as if there are cameras recording me everywhere.
Another thing I’ve noted is that when I fantasise about people, I can only see myself doing stuff to them, not the other way around. It’s not that I wouldn’t want them to do stuff to me, it’s that I’m scared of not being in control or taken advantage of. I hate feeling weak, I hate being looked down on.
Maybe things will get better once I find a partner and actually have sex for the first time, but now I feel like I’m stuck in a place where I can’t let myself be sexual cause it feels wrong.
I have a therapist and I’ve mentioned just a little bit of it but talking about sex out loud and my own thoughts about it makes me so uncomfortable.
How do I get comfortable with it again?