Buckle up. This is a long one filled with gorey details. Lol
I (36F) want to have sex with my husband (43M) more often but he isn't interested.
Some back story.
My husband and I have been together since 2021. Sex has ALWAYS been a tough spot for us (except for like the first 6 months). He is high functioning Autistic (I think this detail is important because it kinda sets the stage for how I think he over fixated on certain things), and was raised in a very very rigidly Christian home (sex is bad and only for procreation. Don't masturbate or you will go to hell. Women ONLY provide sex for men and women do not enjoy sex. His older brothers all cheat on their wives and have multiple divorces under their belts. My husband is quite a bit younger than them (like... Totally a whoopsie baby. His brothers are 20-30 years older than him) and he grew up watching how they treated their wives and partners and absolutely hated it. It could have been very easy for him to follow suit, but he went the opposite way. He swore he would never ever be like them, and overly drilled it into himself to never use a woman for sex and that since women did not want sex (religious upbringing) he would never ever initiate, and he would just take care of himself unless she initiated. I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors, and have studied it extensively and his relationship with sex very much has similarities to someone who was sexually abused (he is adamant that he never was). He and I believe that he was so sexually repressed due to religion as an adolescent, that he experienced his own form of "sexual trauma" because of it.
When we met, sex was incredible. He was so loving and passionate. About six months in, things kinda fizzled. Which I know can be normal. It started with us climbing into bed, and we would start spooning, and he would panic if I wiggled my hips into him in a seductive way. Or if I asked him to do oral on me, he said he didn't want to perform anymore of have anything expected from him.
Also a possibly important detail.... He has a form of Erectile disfunction. He cannot cum from vaginal sex and can only orgasm with his hand. He has never before in his life orgasmed from having sex (except twice with me). He says its a common form of disfunction from masturbating too hard.
After those first six months we kinda just fizzled down to once or twice a month. I asked him why, and he said he would rather "take care of it himself". He has made comments that he views orgasms the same as "taking a shit". It's something his body forces him to take care of and when he is done he just washes his hands and moves on. It's gotten to the point that I have anxiety attacks every time I think about initiating because I am so so scared of getting rejected. Again.
I've attempted so many things. I know a lot of women usually end up being the ones to pull away sexually from being burnt out. I've asked him what I can do to support him better at home so he feels more willing to have sex. I go down on him nearly every time we have sex. I've tried adding lingerie. I have told him I am open to literally just about any kind of kink he wants to try out to make it more special. He says no to nearly all of it. He has such a rigid view of sex, that just about anything outside of traditional vaginal sex (or oral) he is opposed to. He says he has no moral problem with it, it's literally just a block he has in his head. He even has said no to me just adding music to set the mood better. He seems like he wants to change it, but he doesn't know how to pull himself into a different head space. I have asked that he stop watching porn, and to please just bring that sexual energy to me which he has done. But since doing that, it hasn't really changed. He doesn't actually bring it to me. He just represses his sexual desire more instead. With 3 kids, it's hard to find time.
He knows how rigid he is, and he doesn't know how to relax and change that even though he wants to. (He DOES have extensive non-sexual traumas from his childhood. He was in and out of foster homes and went through a lot of abuse. He has gone to 12+ years of therapy.).
I am coming to a point, where I want to give up. Not on the marriage, but on any hope of having a robust sexual partnership with him.
We have a beautiful life together. We have three dogs, three kids. We live in a beautiful home that is large enough for us to live our best lives. Money is tight sometimes, but he is my best friend that I can tell anything to. He is an incredible partner in literally every single way outside of sex. He works hybrid from home while I stay home and he still pulls his weight around the house without giving me any guilt about it. He takes care of us so well, and provides me with so much love and support outside of sex. I think for my own mental health, I just have to completely back off sexually but I am so afraid of what that will mean for us romantically. I'm afraid my pushing is emasculating him and making his problems worse.
I'm not really sure what I am asking for here. We would both love to do sex therapy. But at this point in time, it is just not in our budget.
Anyone have any recommendations for how I should handle this? Any book recommendations or videos you think are helpful in dealing with these issues?