Need advice, unsure where to turn
So I’ve [26F] never described myself as having an ED. I just don’t feel hungry, and admittedly I used to smoke cigs, then vaped, now I’ve quit everything but that’s definitely a hunger suppressant.
But recently, multiple friends have said they think I show signs of anorexia. I struggle immensely to wake up in the mornings, constant exhaustion and brain fog, white hair on my body and thicker white than usual, and just generally having really really bad self esteem and self image issues.
I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I do find areas of myself ‘fat’, from my thighs to my stomach to my face- it always seems so round and slightly chubby to me- and I DO often skip dinner and breakfasts, I’ll eat lunch but that I can do light- a sandwich, and an orange or something.
I weighed myself recently and I’m >!49!< kg As a 26F who’s 5’3 that’s really not classed as underweight in terms of BMI. But I’m worried because whilst I’m never restrictive on purpose….. clearly I’m not chubby so why do I see that on my body?
Similarly, I’ve started to really enjoy the feeling of weakness that I get when I don’t eat dinner a few days in a row. You do revert back to a childlike state- the exhaustion, the crying for no reason, I find life very surreal especially walking through a busy train station for example - and music sounds cool- it’s honestly sort of like a high for me now, both like being high (stoned / euphoric) and also a high in terms of I love feeling that way but I know I shouldn’t aim for it.
I want to be healthy and happy but restricting makes me feel so good. And i would never class myself as having an ED but my friends say otherwise?
Would be interested to hear anyone else’s thoughts- does anyone here genuinely just skip meals bc they’re not feeling hungry? But do it multiple times a day etc?