Rainbow bridge guilt
TW: death/venting/long post My 15 yo lovebird died last night. I have been anticipating her death for some time now because of her age but man she was still so active. She couldn't fly anymore and felt fragile but she was still happy. I gave her such a good life, we grew up together basically. That being said, I recently had a child and basic up keeping became really difficult for me. I have two dogs and another bird on top of that. I can't help but feel guilty because there would be days I wouldn't change her water bowl. I feel fucking awful man. But I know I gave her a great life before pregnancy. Idk it's so weird. I would also tell my husband I didn't want birds anymore just because I couldn't keep up and I think my baby is allergic to them at the moment. Now I feel so guilty.
This is where my questioning of her death comes in. Earlier today I went to go clean her cage. I've done this for years without a problem. I'll take the cage outside with her in it (she's very stubborn/territorial when it comes to her cage so I'll just leave her in there.) Once outside I always give her a mist because I live in AZ. I spray the cage down (of course avoiding her) and I put her in the shade afterwards while I finish cleaning other things. This is where that guilt comes in. My baby starts crying inside and my husband is in the bathroom so I have to rush inside. Once my husband came out of the bathroom I told him to wheel the birds back in. Later that night she died. Yes she was old but I can't help but think I contributed. Could it have been heat stress?
That being said, this morning even before cleaning her cage my husband had mentioned she was more "quick" than usual. I kind of agreed. But she had her really active days so I didn't think much of it. The crazy part is, an hour before she died she was playing with my niece from inside her cage. She seemed really happy, more active than usual for sure. Then an hour later, my husband heard her fall to the bottom of her cage, he told me to come (I was with my baby) my lovebird was at the bottom of the cage struggling, losing her balance and all. I picked her up and she felt so fragile. That's when I knew she might not make it. She died in my arms within 5 mins.
Maybe I'm looking for answers, or wondering if anyone else had an experience like this. When she was dying, she was vomiting a lot of seeds. I could see her turning blue. She was shaking really bad too. Could she have possibly been choking? Did her organs fail due to potential heat stress even though I make sure she's cool and have done this so many times before without a problem? Was it just age? My family was over too when this happened and my mother in law told me she saw my bird eating excessively. Which is odd because every answer online I have seen is a bird who has an illness doesn't eat and is lethargic. But she was opposite of that. I know the only answer is necropsy but I don't think I could do it. I know birds hide illnesses really well. I'd like to think she died of age but why so sudden. It’s like she had a burst of energy before passing. I can't help but think I contributed to her death and it feels awful :(