u/SnowConeInPHX

Hi all—just a discussion post about dealing with situations where women sometimes expect that wlw relationships are going to work the same as the relationships they’ve been in with men.

I recently went on a few dates with a woman who was married to a man and in an open relationship (I’m in the same situation). After the first date, she said that while she had a good time and the convo was good, she didn’t feel a strong spark. However, we gave it a second chance because she said thought maybe it was because she’s more introverted and nervous with new people (I’m not nervous with new people per se, but I am introverted/a little reserved before I get to know someone). When talking with her in between dates, she said things that made me suspect she was more used to the stereotypical dynamics of a heterosexual relationship, like the man being forward and making all the moves—things like that. I know that the ways women and men are socialized to conform to societal expectations for gender roles while growing up is hard to break away from. However, it is possible—and especially when it comes to wlw relationships, women need to set those societal norms and expectations aside because otherwise, it just further shrinks a dating pool that’s already pretty narrow.

Anyway, I did like her and despite the fact that I’m more reserved, I pushed myself to make a move and I kissed her. She kissed me back and was into it. After we parted ways and were both home, we talked about enjoying the kiss and how we both wanted more than that. While that was true, I didn’t want to be too pushy and press her for that on the second date—I wanted to be respectful and not make her uncomfortable, and I told her that. She said she appreciated that, but also added that she’s seen and heard it all from men, so she has a pretty high threshold for what she considers to be too forward.

So, we had plans for a third date. We had a flirty back and forth leading up to when we were supposed to hang out, and I had plans to push myself to take the lead, as she told me she was generally more submissive. I’m a big proponent of open and honest communication when it comes to ENM/poly relationship dynamics (it’s essential, really)—I like to know what people are looking for and what they want in a relationship. So we had some back and forth about things like that, too. Well, she got quiet a few days before we were supposed to have our third date and took a whole day to respond to texts I sent her (she normally was really quick to reply, and she kind of did the same thing after the first date when she wasn’t sure about hanging out again, so I picked up on the pattern). When she responded, she cancelled on me and said that while the convo was good and she liked hanging out, she didn’t feel a spark and it just felt to her like she was catching up with a friend. In short, she didn’t want to continue pursuing things—that’s totally valid and I obviously respected her decision.

I know I just did a ton of rambling, but I just wanted to share my experience to provide context for my thoughts on the situation and others like it. When all was said and done, I kind of got the impression that maybe she had the expectation for me to be the ‘man’ in the situation—to just be forward/more aggressive and make moves in the way that men are generally socialized and expected to when pursuing someone romantically and/or sexually. I feel like maybe because I didn’t meet her heteronormative expectations, she just wrote it off and didn’t feel like giving it a chance. I could be wrong, but this is just the vibe I got. Just curious about the experiences of others with this phenomenon—essentially, finding that societal expectations for heterosexual relationships may affect the expectations of some bi women when they pursue wlw relationships. Thoughts?