Life just feels emptier as time goes by...
Note: Summarised original text using AI for better readability.
I’m a UK-born Malayali woman in my 30s, and lately I’ve been questioning a lot about life, marriage, friendships and whether I made the right choices.
My most serious relationship was during university. My ex and I were really close, but our mutual friends (mainly the female ones in our group) became distant and later admitted they were jealous of how happy and successful we were together. Since then, I’ve struggled to trust friendships fully and slowly became someone who keeps everything to herself.
After graduation, I developed feelings for another guy in our mutual friend group, which led to the end of my relationship. That guy was someone who led me on and I was deceived by his constant messages and gifts and eventually told me he didn’t feel the same. Although my ex and I tried to fix things after explaining to him, his family strongly opposed marrying outside their background (he was not a Malayali). I walked away because I didn’t want to be the reason his family broke apart.
As an introvert, dating apps were exhausting and disappointing in the UK. Too many people seemed unserious or only wanted something physical. Eventually I joined Kerala Matrimony by choice — not because anyone forced me — because I wanted something more serious and culturally familiar. I handled everything myself. My parents were just a supporter in whatever decision I made. And that’s how I met my husband. He was familiar with the UK as he'd lived and worked here before so I was happy and felt comfortable moving forward.
The first two years of marriage were genuinely happy. We travelled a lot and I felt fulfilled. But reality slowly became heavy. Bringing a spouse to the UK is financially draining, visa renewals cost a fortune, and my husband came with no savings from India. I had spent years saving to buy my own house, and while we eventually achieved that dream, it came with pressure, compromise and disappointment because there were certain restrictions that came with buying with a partner who just came from India and isn't yet a permanent resident.
My in-laws, who live in Kerala and have never travelled or lived abroad, often make insensitive comments about our house, finances and especially children. Repetitive comments such as "your house is small", "your house is a financial burden" etc. We’ve been trying for a baby for over a year and I’ve had two miscarriages. What hurt most was the lack of emotional support afterwards. Instead, I got comments like “you should’ve had kids earlier” and “you’re getting old." and "Why did you go and buy a house first. Don't people usually have children first?" It made me feel like my pain mattered less than their desire for grandchildren.
I’ve now gone no-contact with my in-laws for my own mental health.
Lately my marriage feels strained too. My husband is exhausted from work, stressed often, and although he helps around the house, I feel emotionally alone carrying the mental load of everything — fertility struggles, future planning and keeping life together. Even trying for a baby now feels more like pressure and competition than love. I make sure to keep track of ovulation days, but he doesn't seem to remember it and falls asleep and I don't feel that I should be reminding him. If we are both to put the effort in, especially after the pressure of his parents words, he should be more alert and giving this more focus, but it seems like he's been exhausted recently from work and the travel that comes with it.
Sometimes I wonder if life would’ve been easier had I married someone already settled in the UK. Most of my friends did, and they seem financially stable and settled. Meanwhile I feel like I’m constantly carrying extra weight.
I’ve also isolated myself completely over the years. I barely speak to friends anymore because I’m scared of judgment and comparisons. I used to look healthy but now I've gained weight and live in oversized T-shirts and tracksuits, hair never done properly and no make up. I miss dressing up, going out, laughing and just feeling carefree. Now life feels like work, cooking, cleaning, stress and repeating the same cycle daily.
There have been moments where I’ve felt completely hopeless and wondered if everyone would be better off without me. But at the same time, I know we’ve built a life together and walked through a lot together to get this far. I try not to talk too much about how I feel, because I've noticed the more times I repeat my sad feelings to my husband, the more likely he comes to me saying "same" and then I end up being the one consoling him and my feelings were never acknowledged by him. As for friends, like I mentioned previously I keep a distance because I've never really found a friend or a group of people who I can trust. I now don't have contact with anyone of my friends.
What’s hardest is that from the outside, I technically have everything I wanted years ago. The person I was 5 years ago would've been over the moon seeing where I am today — marriage, a house, stability — yet somehow I still feel like I’m falling behind in life and I'm slowly becoming empty.