Guys I’m so fucking scared
Hi guys, I’m 16f with severe scoliosis (100°t and 80°l) and I’m supposed to get surgery first week of may. It was cancelled back in January due to a skin infection and the surgeon didnt want to operate. Which I understand and am grateful for.
But what if I show up and they turn me away again? The medical system has failed me thus far, so whats stopping it from failing me again?
I was put on the 2 year waiting list January 2024 but was told they would rush the wjat for me because my thoracic curve grew 13° in 6 months. They said I’d only wait 6-12 months. My next appointment was 6 months later and I told I had to wait 12-18 months from my initial appointment in January. Another 6 months go by (this is when I started having daily pain, particularly in the evenings after school or from standing/sitting too long) and I was told I’d have to wait the whole 2 years.
The amount of hope and disappointment my family went through was insane.
I was then told I would be getting a 2 day operation back in august (my last regular appointment before pre op) and I had asked the surgeon if it would be possible to have the operations happen between late October to around early December and he said it was likely. Months go by without a word. But in I think November I was told that it wouldn’t be until at least mid January. But in early to mid December, we were told my dates would be late January.
At the time, we were just so happy to have dates. So January rolls around, I’m in the surgical gowns, IVs in and the anesthesia was admitted. This was all around 10:30 in the morning. I woke up at 1 ish. I wasn’t supposed to be out of surgery until at least 3:30. It didnt happen and we were sent home.
And in March, we were given dates. Early may. And ever since, ive been terrified it would be cancelled again. That disappointment will destroy me. I haven’t told anyone that. I think at that point id rather not have the operations at all and just manage the pain. I can’t go through that again. I just can’t. I was on the verge of falling into depression if it wasn’t for my family, friends, and the distraction of hockey to keep me busy.
But I’m scared for what getting this surgery means. I love playing volleyball. And I already know I won’t be able to play next season since it starts in September. Ive made peace with that. But I play libero and it’s my job to get all the low balls and I don’t know what else I’d play. Outside hitter? But theres already so many hitters on the team.
I feel like this deformity is slowly making me lose all sense of self. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Free, happy, no need to pretend. Or maybe that’s just growing up. I’m not sure of anything anymore.
Sorry for the long ass rant. My mind is just a mess, just in case that wasnt obvious. I’m just so tired