I hate myself
There are so many things I want to say, but to start, I apologize for talking about this in THIS community, I just don't know where else I could talk about this with people who could possibly understand. For the sake of not being immediately banned I will be using the term MAP but you know the right word for i, and I will use young people for minors.
I hate myself every day, I feel disgusting, I know I'm pathetic, and I recognize I'm a scummy monster. I don't feel deserving of love, and I want to leave this world every day. I don't know if it's just cowardice or if I'm right in thinking death would be too good for someone like a MAP, someone like me.
My dad once told us a story about how an old man in the family had SAd his own granddaughter, and we all hated him for it. And now I have this attraction that no one should ever have, and I'm no better than that POS. I'm just a pathetic sick self-loathing fuck who will live in misery for the rest of his days.
I thank God I've never touched anyone inappropriately or crossed any lines irl, at least that's something. But I'm not innocent, I have engaged in short relationships and inappropriate conversations with minors, and no person should ever do that I know. My family and everyone I know is good and share that belief which is universally true. But I'm fucked up in the head and from 5 years to now I've been this pathetic fucking thing that lusts for people who should only be loved like family or platonically, guided and protected.
I've been perfectly aware of how bad it is, and yet I keep having the urges to look for young people. The last few years of my life I've felt miserable every day because of what I've done. I would look for communities where young people seeked or exposed themselves to MAPS, I would seek their attention and do things that should never be done. It's been a constant cycle of feeling these urges, following through with them, and once I'm there, panicking and blocking everyone and deleting my accounts. Then after some time I would feel the urges again and do it all over. For whatever it's worth, I never forced anyone to do anything to harm themselves, I never threatened anyone and I never forced them to do anything to do something they weren't willing to do. BUT I know that's worth VERY little if anything because at the end of the day I still did something no one should do to young people, and I still took advantage of hurt broken young people who needed actual help in their lives and not a disgusting MAP to come in and feed into their problems. So I know I'm no better than any other MAP.
I feel regret and guilt and disgust every single day and I don't think it will ever stop, I don't think it should ever stop. I think living in misery for the rest of my days is the least I can do after what I've done.
I'm sorry for making this post and I hope I didn't trigger anyone. I don't even know if it's worth it for me to try to post this or talk about it with anyone.