u/Silent_Line_3990

Hey all.

Just as the title suggests, my wife is having a hard time. Her port is in, she was finally able to take a real shower today because the bandage came off. Her first chemo treatment starts this Wednesday. She's so scared. I am trying to reassure her as often as I can without annoying her. We both know it's a scary diagnosis. I am doing my best to make sure I am not crying all the time, even though I want to. My hope is that if I am being strong, then she can be strong. We have two kids, ages 9 and 12. We are trying to keep it light for them. They know she has cancer. They know chemo is going to be rough. Both of the kids are autistic, but both are high functioning. I just...I don't know what I can do to help her. She knows how much I love her and that we are going to fight this together.

The last week has felt like 10 years. A week ago today we were at the Railers hockey game with some friends of ours. Sunday, Kara got really sick. Like massive pain, vomiting, can't keep anything down kind of a situation. Same on Monday. On Tuesday (the day I left for my Uncle's Chris's funeral) Kara went to Urgent Care. From urgent care where they attempted to hydrate her and stop the vomiting-they found a mass in her colon and lesions on her liver. She was sent to the ER. Massive pain, still throwing up, can't keep water down. She gets admitted and they planned a sigmoidoscopy the next day with a biopsy. Wednesday, they do the biopsy to check the tissue and the sigmoidoscopy. The mass is a tumor. Her colon was so distended that they were concerned it would burst. Since she had anesthesia earlier that day, I had to be told about the different procedures they were considering the side effects and what the hopeful outcomes would be. We went with a stent because it would be the least invasive, knowing that if the doctor wasn't able to place the stent in to help relieve the pressure then they would have to do an emergency removal of the tumor and if her colon was bad enough remove her colon with surgery. This would mean either an ostomy bag at best case scenario or illiostomy at worst. I left NJ early to get home to my wife. She did great with the stent. She's moving waste and gas appropriately. Still, they were keeping her NPO because they may still need to perform emergency surgery. Thursday early morning, I am there. I'm with my girl. She has a lot of pain but on the other side. She's still going to the bathroom. We get the biopsy back. It's colorectal cancer. I speak to the oncologists separately while Kara is in the bathroom. I verify the statistics I see online if it is stage 4. They don't say I'm wrong. The statistics are scary. However, my girl is young(ish), and healthy minus the whole cancer thing. I'm not giving up on her. Friday, they still kept her as NPO, however she was in a lot less pain. She was finally able to take her antidepressant. And I came in with her shower stuff and a towel from our place. She's starting to feel like herself again. She's been taking walks, took a shower standing up and is more clear headed than I am with all of this. She was allowed a clear liquid diet Saturday. She did so well that they allowed her to go to a low fiber diet Sunday. She hasn't felt sick and had very minimal pain. The doctor today said he thinks we have less than 10% chance of needing surgery to help the blockage. I'm doing my absolute best to be brave and strong for her. I constantly feel like I am failing because sometimes, I lose my resolve and I start sobbing. We haven't told the kids yet. We want to have a treatment plan in place so they know we are fighting this as a family.

She is my best friend. The love of my existence. I am TERRIFIED every. Single. DAY. And we don't even have the full pathology report yet. The PET scan hasn't been completed. Once step at a time, I guess. I'm so scared I'm not mentally stable enough for this.