Someone explain to me how I lose this gunfight? This is ranked search and it’s the win or lose moment. Guy fires and misses, I turn and shoot him twice while he’s missing, with an AR close range, I don’t miss a bullet and hit him every single time for 5 shots and even tho I hit him twice before he ever lands a shot I lose and he wins with 1 hp?
I never thought I would end up like this, but I did. I became abusive just like my dad.
I grew up in a house where physical and mental abuse was normal. It destroyed my family and it shaped me more than I wanted to admit. When I finally got out at 16, I was carrying a lot of damage, rage, anxiety, and what I now know is CPTSD. I tried to handle it on my own and convinced myself I had it under control.
I didn’t.
When I got into my first real relationship, it felt like something out of a movie at the start. But the first time we had a serious argument, I lost control. I yelled, I intimidated her, and I became physical. She was scared of me, and instead of taking responsibility, I blamed her. I told her that it was her fault and “if she didn’t do the stupid shit that made me act like this it wouldn’t happen”
That was a lie. And it’s exactly what my dad did to my mom and me and my siblings growing up.
It kept happening. Over and over for two years. I’d lose control, hurt her, then minimize it or shift the blame. She eventually left after her family stepped in. When she did, I missed her but I didn’t actually understand the damage I’d done. At the time, I thought she was overreacting.
That’s the part that’s hardest to admit now. I wasn’t just out of control I genuinely didn’t see myself as the problem.
Then I did it again.
Another relationship, same pattern. Things were great at first, then the anger came back. Yelling, intimidation, getting physical, manipulating the situation afterward. She left a few months later and this time it didn’t stay private. People found out. The drama was huge.
And I still didn’t change.
During that drama, I got into another relationship. Same cycle again, except it lasted longer because she had grown up around similar shit and tolerated more than she should have. Eventually it escalated to the point where the police were called and I ended up in jail.
Sitting in jail forced me to face that what I was doing wasn’t normal, it was abuse, and it was serious.
After that, I ended the relationship. I’ve been single for 2 years now aside from keeping things shallow and distant. I finally got into therapy years later than I should have and I’ve been trying to understand and deal with what’s actually going on in my head.
Last night, one of them called me. She was drunk and pissed off, and she told me exactly how much I hurt her and how much she hates my guts. I told her I was sorry and that she didn’t deserve any of it, but that only made her break down more before she hung up.
There isn’t anything I can say to undo what I did. Apologies don’t fix that, and I know that. The damage I caused doesn’t just disappear because I finally decided to get help.
I abused people who cared about me. Repeatedly. And for a long time, I justified it or didn’t fully see it for what it was.
I’m posting this because I can’t keep minimizing this or keeping it in my own head.
I don’t expect forgiveness from them, and I don’t deserve it. What I did is something they’ll carry with them the rest of their lives. I just hope they’re able to heal from what I put them through.