Losing my family after escaping a cult together
Me (33F) and my best friend (33F) grew up in a white Christian nationalist evangelical cult together.
We got married very young as you do in a cult. She married my brother. I married another boy in the cult. We bought houses and had babies and gardened and made our own clothes and milked goats together. We did holidays and cult things together. We did everything together.
At the age of 23 our cult leader decided that my friend had demons and we needed to shun her. Our cult leader made me choose between the cult or my brother and sister in law (my best friend) If I chose my brother and sister in law I'd lose the rest of my whole family and the cult was all I ever knew and everyone in it.
But i was already starting to question things, something did not feel right. So I chose my brother and sister in law. And this started my deconstruction journey. My husband and my brother and my best friend now shunned and on our own, helping each other and growing together. It was very scary. We no longer had parents or siblings. (I had 12 siblings) or grandparents or aunts and uncles. Just us against the world.
As you can imagine we got very close. My best friends mom also came with us to the outside world so she was very close to us all as well. She had helped me on my wedding so it was nice to have her still with me as I no longer had a mom. She was not perfect but i cherished her.
On our healing journey my brother and his family went for another high demand religion still evangelical Christianity just not our cult.
My husband and I went the complete opposite, atheist, polyamorous, trying all the new things, pride progrades, nudist beaches.
Yet we still stayed such close friends. Our kids growing up as close cousins. And still spending every holiday together. The deeper I got into the left of politics the more people would tell me to cut my family out. The deeper my grind got back into right politics her friends would tell her to cut me out. Year after year past. Still doing everything together.
We always being on the opposite sides me at BLM protest and women marches. My friend anti-vax and homeschooling. Me in a matriarchy her in a patriarchy. But we still met in the middle every month. We loved each other so much!
Then one day comes to mind. The day Charlie Kirk passed - my friend very upset tells me she wants to cancel her plans with us that week. Knowing we are on opposite sides of this matter and may need some time to heal with how upset she was before we get back together. I totally agree and understand. I tell her to take as much time as she needs and I'll be here for her when she is ready. 2 months go by with no word. I give her space to heal. Then she messages me saying she misses me and is ready to hang out again. I'm so happy. And things pic up back to normal. The space felt healthy.
Months go by. And then. She is getting ready to move. I am over at her house helping her move. She wants to move states away to go to a more Republican state. I'm happy she is happy to move.
Im excited for her new adventure. We are talking about how fun our cross country road trip will be getting her to her new home. I notice she is anxious about the government and vaccines and homeschooling laws and this new state will help her feel calm.
She has always supported me through my journeys even if she did not agree. So I do the same.
So during helping her move her mom is weird with me. I notice She has been getting more and more weird with me. She is rolling her eyes, being aggressive with her words. Not cussing or yelling.
Just not kind. She's been acting more cold and distanced and disrespectful. And this was finally the time I talked with my best friend about it.
She is shy to say. But she tells me that her mom no longer wants to be around me. She was only my friend for so long because she thought she could change me. The lady who said to me so many years ago that she would be my stand in mom after the cult chinned us. Told her daughter to tell me that I am no longer allowed at her house because I'm full of sin and I clearly am not going to be convicted back so she is done trying.
I ask my friend about our plans to help her move.
She said it would probably be best if I did not help so that I don't upset her mom more. She said we can meet in the middle for a small trip after they are settled. I tell I don't want to meet in the middle. My friend gets uncomfortable.
I say what about holidays. Her mom is going to live with her at the new place, what about visiting her her new house. She says maybe we can just be phone friends. I yell again. I don’t want to be phone friends!
I go into a panic attack. I'm right back at the cult at 20 years old being shunned again. I hang up the phone on my friend. I'm crying.
The next few days we talk thoroughly about this all.
Mostly crying from my part. Then I ask my brother what he thinks. He waits a month to reply back to me and then says I think it's better if we don't talk and take a brake for three months because you women are always so emotional. And him as the leader of his house needs to protect his wife's peace and I'm making her upset. I think that I was just at his house last month helping him organize his incredibly cluttered work room. We spent 3 days on it. I organized every tool and bult and thing. Labeled and stored away beautifully. Idk why I’m think of this. Just seems to piss me off.
And I said okay.
I unfriend them from Facebook. And the people I called every day I have now not called in three months.
After three months they message me asking how I’m doing and if I want to talk now. During this time I got a Brest reduction, they said they would help, they did not. I got promoted, we had talked about me getting this promotion, they were not there for me to call in excitement. And during this time there house did not sell. Kinda made me happy because I know they wanted that so bad! And here they are. Still stuck in this state.
And honestly? I don’t want to reply. Part of me feels like they abandoned me when I needed them, and another part of me feels guilty because we survived so much together.
AITAH for not responding and possibly ending the friendship permanently?