I love working outside of the house but my dog usually has to come with me. Muddy paw is excellent but I’m such a night owl, I’d love a late night spot to do work and observe the world. Bourgeois Pig used to be my jam, open til 2am, was so bummed when it closed.
It's been an intense rollercoaster since learning I'm autistic this past year. I realized the ADHD 3 years ago, but the addition of autism has completely transformed the lens I view myself through, and I'm currently going through a process of recontextualizing my entire life through this new understanding of myself. I've moved past the denial phase, the anger, and the depression of it, and now I'm grappling with grief over a lifetime of being unseen and misunderstood by professionals and a newfound tenderness and protectiveness for myself as a child.
I truly believed I was born mentally ill. At 6 I developed OCD, at 9 I was fully anorexic and close to death before being hospitalized and refed, at 11 I began self-harming, and the cycle of depression, anxiety, and anorexia relapses continued throughout my teens and 20s. Add in histamine issues and hormonal issues in my late 20s, and an admission from my dad that he knew I was autistic since childhood (he is also on the spectrum), and my identity has been rocked.
My question for you: I'm considering reaching out to my 3 therapists from the ages of 9-14 as I continue on this journey of reintegrating my childhood into my understanding of myself and my brain. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, depression, and BPD, with therapists often noting that as a child, I would tell them I wasn't suicidal, but I "just didn't see the point." I was put on a heavy dose of medications at 9 and have been on a carousel of different meds ever since. My anxieties as a child stemmed mostly from global warming, climate change, and feeling completely out of control and uncomfortable in my changing body...hence the anorexia as a way to feel in control. I've spent 28 years believing there was just something innately wrong and miswired about me.
I mask heavily, but I'm struggling to deal with the fact that I showed all of these signs as a literal prepubescent child, and my parents were just told it was anxiety. Like...what? What 10-year-old is saying they are scared of climate change and doesn't see the point of living? What 12-year-old is cutting themselves and starving themselves and put on 10+ medications to fix them, only to have the problems continue and be left with a deep belief that she was born mentally ill? I majorly struggled in school, with the only area I thrived in being theatre and acting, which I ended up going to college for to pursue as a career. And no wonder, since I've truly perfected the art of performing ~normalcy as a woman~ for my entire life.
Sorry for the ramble. My main question: is it an okay idea to reach out to these therapists to A. see if they even still have, and B. obtain records of my therapy notes from when I was a child? It wouldn't be for anything other than helping me on this personal journey of embracing myself and finding compassion and love for myself through this new understanding of my struggles. There's much of my childhood I don't remember, probably from the trauma of it all, and I think it would be helpful for me as I integrate myself and my identity and continue to find love and compassion for myself.
The carving is so soothing for my anxiety too. I think I found my new favorite medium.